Miracles Do Happen . . .

Part 1...

2011-12-24T04:34:00.000-08:00

We have seen the whales almost every other day for a total of 6 encounters. One day when we went out, they were not there – we assume they were eating all morning. They eat at depths of 1000 meters because the octopus they survive on lives at bottom of the sea floor. We made it our mission to eat some octopus while we were here so we could see if it was really worth diving 1000 meters for. I am happy to report – octopus is really good. At least the dish we had that was flavored with chopped up tomatoes, cilantro and other yumminess and we couldn’t get enough.

Even Angie liked it – as long as she could close her eyes and not see the tentacles. I thought it would be chewy but it was very tender. So we forgave the whales for their one day of dining when we were ready to swim. We took a dip along the coast and snorkeled for a bit.

Finnley has this amazing life jacket that allows her to float without her face in the water. It even has a handle on the back so you can tow her along. I will have to find one for the therapy pool – I will finally be able to get her in and out of the pool on my own!

Each whale encounter has a day of rest in between so we have a chance to process what we saw, felt and learned from the whales. I really feel like this has been an intense study course and almost impossible to take it all in. Roma has done therapy with each of us on an individual basis. Angie’s was more art based and they painted a talking stick with dolphins on it. One of the sticks is so big we will have to leave it here until we can find a way to ship it home. One day at sea, there was a piece of floating wood which we put into the boat. Angie stripped off the bark and I am in the process of painting a whale on it. I am not the artist that my mother is but it almost looks like my grandfather whale so at least I will enjoy looking at it.

One of these therapy sessions became my healing point or my “ahh ha” moment with the whales. This session prepared me for a miraculous swim with many whales that I will never be able to duplicate. My session took place at Roma’s home, on her patio. We spoke a lot about not feeling safe and why I have always carried that with me. It opened up doors that until now, never made sense to me or that maybe I wasn’t willing to explore.

For people who have not done reading and research on how our time in the womb and how our actual birthing affects the rest of our life experience – this may seem strange to you. But know that how we as women - think, feel, act and react to things while we are pregnant, affects our babies. The baby’s father – whether they are there or not, how they participate in the pregnancy and birth, affects our babies. The food we ingest during pregnancy and the drugs we take, affect our babies. The drugs that are administered to us during labor - affect our babies. The fear we may feel in our labor process, affects our babies. These things can shape our babies view of the world as it being one of safety and comfort or a world of worry and uncertainty. Because these things affect US as babies and shaped OUR view of the way we see the world.

I believe that my parents did the best that they could and that their parents did the same. But that doesn’t mean that my outcome was what it should have been or what I deserved. And likewise – their births and life experiences were not what they deserved as babies. So many factors play into who we are and how we are made up. And forgiveness for those events and details opens up a lot of healing and smoothes out the edges to our souls. I just didn’t realize that by healing my insides – I am only better to help my daughters heal and grow. That is why this research study treats the family and it is a significant part of the study.

My session with Roma began with breath work. I had never heard of that so I went in with no preconceived notions as to what it was. I laid down on the cushions, relaxed with the music – kind of the way I do it with my HypnoBirthing visualizations in class. Body loose and relaxed, following Roma’s voice as my guide. She led me to breathe deep and focus on my breath. I had such a difficult time breathing deep. I felt that I was breathing deep but when I put my hand on my chest I could feel that it was shallow. At one point, I almost felt like I was suffocating because I couldn’t get enough air in. My thoughts would pull me away and my breathing would almost stop. Roma would redirect me to focus on the breath and it would pull me back to the realization that I couldn’t get a deep breath and once again the suffocation feeling would return. I am not sure how long this went on but a long time.

Roma then suggested I picture the kind of birth I wanted for myself. It caught me off guard because I had been trying so hard to just breathe. And then it was like I experienced a flash of a memory without seeing a picture – more like a feeling throughout my whole body and a knowing of what I had experienced at my birth. That suffocation feeling returned in full force and I began to cry harder than I have ever cried. Not from pain exactly but from the force of trying to breathe but not being able too. I cried a silent cry with tears pouring from my eyes . My ears filled up with tears as they just kept coming. I didn’t have words, just feelings from my body as to how I felt.

Side Note: {At my birth, my mother was induced with Pitocin. Not a whiff of Pitocin to get things going as they may refer to it now, but a lot of Pitocin with no pain medication. Her desire had been a natural birth and had requested no pain relief but she was not told that Pitocin was powerful labor drug and produced much stronger contractions than natural labor with little break for mother or baby in between. When the contractions became unbearable, she requested pain medication only to be denied and then the Dr. upped the Pitocin even more to hurry me along. It was excruciating for her and she felt like she would die from the pain. As a baby, I was part of that equation too and nobody asked me if I was ready to come that way.}

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, Roma asked again for me to picture the birth that I wanted. My thoughts went to Finnley’s birth.

It was calm and loving. The labor was gentle and natural. I was in charge of my birth and felt supported by my team. I was able to surrender to my body and work together with my baby to birth her. It was a magical time afterward with hours of skin to skin and laughing and amazement from everyone there. Her dad and sister were there – they loved on her as well. I was able to picture that for myself because it was what I was able to give Finnley. Is that why she is so open and trusting? Is that why she melts hearts with her smile and has such a deep love for everyone around her. Could that have been me if my birth were like hers?

I then pictured myself being held skin to skin. I could not see faces but knew that the first arms were those of my mother. I was warm and nestled in to her chest as she spoke softly to me. This was her desire for my birth as well so I felt her presence there very strong. I then felt that my dad held me and that my brothers and sisters were there. Everyone laughing and cuddling me. It was what Finnley had it’s what I has wanted. I felt a connection to my family that I have never had before. A peace came over me and the tears kept coming.

Roma let me emerge from this in my own time. She held my hand and wiped my tears. The sun had set by this time and a warm breeze was brushing across the patio when I finally sat up.

I immediately noticed that I could breathe. And the breath was now deep. A full breath that filled my lungs without a struggle. I have never felt breath like this. I felt more alive...but didn’t understand the full impact until the next day.

To Be Continued…

Our Strong Little Girl…

2011-12-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

Finnley has been the most amazing travel companion on this voyage around the world. Our flight over was long but she played most of the time and made everyone smile around her. She had only one small fit of crying during the last leg but we felt it was our fault for a medicine overdose! Even the layover in Madrid was ok as long as we kept the stroller moving. We noticed what other parents were dealing with so it really could have been worse.

Roma and Volker shared with us last night how many worries and reservations they had about us coming from such a long way to Tenerife. She acknowledged me for my bravery in making the trek. The truth us – it was not bravery – it was me just being naïve! My extensive world traveling has left me with zero stamps on my passport up to this point. They don’t stamp you in Hawaii or Florida… I truly had no idea what, “It’s on the other side of the world” meant. I just knew that if that if the other side of the world is where the dolphins and whales were – then that’s where we would go. It gives new meaning to “ignorance is bliss.” There was no question in my mind and no fear about the decision to go. Finnley led us to her healing and I have learned that her soul is much wiser than mine. I am grateful that I ignored the few people who tried to explain the gravity of the trip to me and basically told me that I was crazy. I’ve had that “crazy” label all my life – at this point – it doesn’t even phase me!

For Finnley, this journey has been life altering. I am in awe of her calmness and ease with everything that has been asked of her this trip. She has been taken from a sun kissed boat repeatedly and put into cold sea water without a single complaint. Water and music have always been Finnley’s favorite forms of expression and her best mode of body movement so it has been incredibly therapeutic for her to enter the sea with Roma singing to the whales. Finnley was made for this. Maybe Finn created this somehow before she came…and how perfect is her name for this work? She named herself so maybe this is all her doing…who am I to question her plans?

Roma has a silver bell that she wears around her neck and she uses it to call in the whales. To watch Roma work is so beautiful. The songs that she and Volker sing to bring in the whales for the day is magical and the songs resonate and stay within your heart space, if that makes sense. Angie makes fun and laughs at my “English version” of the songs when I sing them because I hear the words so differently than what Roma sings. I have the tune right but I tend to massacre the language. Finnley gets it though and that’s what counts! Roma also makes whale sounds below the water that Finn loves to hear. It turns their heads and they respond, so the whales must understand her. Roma and Volker’s work is inspiring to say the least.

Finnley is gathering whales each time she enters the water and harnessing their healing. This journey has not been all roses for her but she has gone through it like she understands the uncomfortable parts are necessary for the healing to take place. Her sleeping has been even worse and I am sure that jetlag is to blame for some of that, but it’s really been hard on her.
At first, her seizures increased at night to the point where her legs extended and contracted each time she fell asleep and then the rapid movement would startle her awake. We knew this could be part of the healing process as her body made a shift but it has not been easy to watch my daughter as she has struggled through each night. Neither one of us has had sleep.

The other night, Roma brought over a homeopathic remedy for Finnley. Roma has a homeopathic Pediatrician who lives in Germany. This doctor only treats children with homeopathy and is an expert in remedies. Ignecia(if I am spelling it correctly) is for emotional release of sadness(other things as well but this is the only thing I caught). I took it as well. She said she hoped that one dose would be enough for Finnley and that if we see increased seizures it would be a good sign. Trust in these caretakers has been a big part of my process in our whale journey. Who wants to see increased seizures? But my gut said it’s right - so we gave the remedy. (My doula training taught me to trust my gut and it’s never wrong if I follow it – so I never question the gut!)

We gave it to her about 15 minutes before we left for dinner. It was the first time we were going out to eat in Tenerife - at a highly recommended local restaurant. We have been so careful with eating in but this was our treat night. We made the trek up the hills to “Pedro’s b y the Sea”(I have calves of steel by the way – this town has been all uphill!). Finnley sat very reserved in her stroller all the way there. We sat, we ordered and had just received our water when she began to sob. I mean – lip quivering, huge crocodile tears – it was heart wrenching. At first we thought something had scared her and we were trying to console her the usual ways. Then her legs began to jerk and the screaming began. I took her outside to calm her down but it was not happening. She cried and cried and it only got louder. After about 15 minutes of that, we decided to get the food to go and started back down the hill. Peggy stayed behind to get the food and Angie and I went home. Once we got Finnley walking, she quieted down and never made a peep the rest of the night. In fact, she was quiet smiley and calm. Poor Peggy sat at the restaurant for over an hour – they thought she cancelled the order when she asked for it “to go.” I guess in Spain you have to say, “Can I take it away.” Who would have known that?
Finnley slept great that night – only up for two hours and no seizures. She went back to bed and slept until 10am. Roma was thrilled with the release effects and apologized for giving it right before we left for dinner. She didn’t expect it to work so fast.

Finnley has been making more eye contact and really interacting with the whales. She looks right at them and giggles at their sounds. She loves Roma’s singing and snuggles right in to her chest. Roma holds her on the edge of the boat and Finnley dangles her feet into the water while the boat is going full speed and she loves it. The harder that child is bounced and thrown around the more she laughs. Her neck strength seems to already be improving but that could be because she is just seeing better and wants to hold her head up more. I am so grateful for each tiny step we see happening. And it’s all thanks to you – everyone that has supported us in this magnificent endeavor. We will be forever in your debt.

Within the Eyes of the Granfather Whale...

2011-12-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

Translucent as ice blue glass – his eyes offered me protection

Wrinkles and the folds of skin underneath that smiled in a peaceful, playful way

Trustworthy and steady - all is well – I am safe

Forgiveness for myself and for others is freely given while he looks deep into my soul

I saw his light as he shared in mine

I am whole and now present for others, for he opened up my heart for healing

The warmth of love under a chilled sea, encompassed my being, as I floated within arms reach of this giant

God’s work through God’s messenger in this heaven below the waves

So soft, so gentle, so massive, so enormous

The blessings of love and hope all within the eyes of the Grandfather Whale.

How do we share this experience....

2011-12-14T08:07:00.000-08:00

With mammals as large as Whales, you would almost expect them to be intimidating because of their sheer volume in size. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Swimming next to something that large puts your life and presence on earth sharply into perspective. These creatures command the sea. Not just with size but with their intention as they glide through the water. Whales are one of the oldest species on earth and Blue Whales are the largest of all the mammals. They emanate an ancient knowledge of the planet that is hard to put into words. Feelings of safety, softness and love pour all around you and seep into your pours as you enter their world. Have you ever wept under water? It’s all one can do when you are surrounded by such power and grace.

The whales have certain markings and sometimes fin patterns that make it easy to recognize the same ones when you see them over and over again. One rather large male(my guess is about 30 feet in length and if I were to hug him around his neck, I wouldn’t even come up half way with my arms) has a distinctive nick out of his top dorsal fin. He was with us all day but was safely keeping his distance. Almost overseeing the days activities, just making sure everyone was okay with no need to get involved directly.

As I watched this scene unfold with Angie in this vast Atlantic Ocean, I cried. The beautiful journey that took place on the surface of the water was nothing as compared to what I knew was going on down below. She and Roma got in together and swam towards the two whales. They roved about on the top of the water with their plastic flippers, while whale fins and blowholes would rise and fall in a flowing pattern. The girls were in the water for about five minutes when more and more fins began to appear. Soon, whales of all sizes and pairings were around them. Mothers and babies, adolescents and fathers, groups of three – they were everywhere, swimming in circles around my daughter. It was breathtaking.

And then, from the far right, that massive male with the nicked fin made a b-line towards Angie. When they swim so directly with purpose, you can’t help but see flash backs of “Jaws” and hear the music in your head as you catch your breath and remember these are whales – and that fin I see is a gentle mammal not a man eater. He was there in an instant and he stopped just short of Angie and bobbed softly to the surface. He was within a foot of her, resting with his back out of the water. Her paddling stopped and I could feel the eye contact between them. He held that space as the other whales began to circle around both of them in a clockwise motion. Fifteen to twenty whales making the most beautiful circular ripples in the water that I have ever seen. It was pure love and protection. You feel it on such a cellular level out there in the sea and it warms your soul from the inside out. There is nothing like it and no words to adequately describe it. Emotions and communication from the whales of safety, love, protection and unity rose out of that water and encompassed you. Roma shared afterward that what I couldn’t see were the small whales were circling underneath their bodies at the same time as the larger ones were swimming on the surface.

When we get back into the boat, our whale experiences are not discussed right away. We sit with the sacred pictures and images in our minds until we make our way back to shore. Messages and ideas the whales communicate to us are taken into our hearts first and we feel them before we speak of them. Roma knows that the first instinct we have as humans is to chatter about what just took place and so she has asks us to sit with the experience first and share later. Some things are shared with each other and other experiences and messages we keep to ourselves. Angie has not spoken much about that experience except to say – “Wow, you could feel that love.”

I would only add to that – WOW…you could feel that love…now how do we share that with others?

Whales Can Save Our Souls...

2011-12-12T09:38:00.000-08:00

Such a dramatic title - maybe - but these creatures are far more than we are as human beings. I wish you were all here to see the fins begin to show themselves on the horizon each morning as we go out. First one... and then another... and then the extended whale family almost surrounds us as we cut through the water. You feel so included with these animals. No judgement, only acceptance - it feels like home.

This morning the sea was still and reflected the sun like translucent glass. The shades of blue were so calming and had a glittery sheen to them. I wish that I was a painter to capture that image, although I am not sure even a photograph could do justice to God's work of this mornings sea.

As I watch daily how these animals are creating change in my daughters, I am in awe at the love and humanness I feel as I swim with them. Finnley makes more and more eye contact after each encounter, Angie has been able to voice feelings and ideas that she has been to shy to reveal up to this point. Daily I am shown images of life messages the whales are wanting to share with me.

Today for example, I was shown that life is safe. A message that I have not carried in my life. I have been guarded and in "protection mode" as I have lived thus far. My vulnerability has been low on the scale as I have built up walls to hide and shelter myself from pain and hurt that I may or may not encounter. Not sure where I learned this or who I patterned after - but to me - the walls sheltered me from the "yuck" life brings. But those walls have also kept me from the joy life brings and the love that it offers. I didn't realize the full impact of that until a father whale showed me that this morning.

Usually, when we get into the water, we take Roma's hand and she guides us toward the whales. She is our safety net. Sometimes the whales are right under us and other times they elude us and we must swim to them. Today, my fins were ready early and Roma said, "Get in the water first and look down - go towards them." As I entered the water on my own - without that familiar hand to hold, I saw several whales in front of me. The large father whale(I estimate about 20 feet long or so) turned towards me and began to swim right to me. He was massive, enormous, majestic and a presence to say the least - My heart stopped as he got closer and closer but not wanting to put out a scared energy towards him, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a moment and stopped swimming. He kept coming and when he was about about three feet in front of me and I was sure we would collide - he dove down just enough to go under my feet and then came up around my side. We locked eyes and he ask me to follow him. No words - it was in thought that he communicated and we began to swim together. Other whales in the family joined underneath and we moved together. My heart was calmed and I felt a part of them. It was a feeling bigger than I have ever felt. And I felt safe. Life is safe. As I rejoined Roma and her warm hand a few minutes later - I was different. I am different.

We are all part of each other. We are all here to help each other. We are each others safety nets. I am shown that lesson daily with those of you who help me with my girls, my business, my home and my spiritual life. I am now able to accept it. Why do I guard so much? Why do we guard so much? I teach that birth is safe and I wholeheartedly believe that. But I missed the lesson that the rest of the time here is safe. We need to get that message to our children so they can live and love what life brings. Life is to short to live in fear of what may or may not happen.

Our hearts are full as we travel back to shore each day and a quiet reverence rests above the boat. Our time with the whales is too short and the lessons we gain - almost too much...

We are here in Tenerife!

2011-12-10T03:47:00.000-08:00

A HUGE THANK YOU for all of you who helped me bring my little girl to these whales. Yes - we are still taking donations and if you have mailed checks they will be cashed when we return home - those are the questions I have seen the most in my email.

It is the most amazing, overwhelming, gratitude filled experience of our lives. We were been bumped from our first flight, had our luggage lost, things stolen from the luggage and got it 2 and 3 days later - BUT - it showed us that we can live in the same clothes, bathe in the ocean and meet people that want to help the Americans who speak REALLY BAD spanish! This would not have been possible without all of you - Thank You!

We are having to Taxi everywhere and have learned that you ask how much BEFORE you get in. We have to buy our water from the grocery store in 2 gallon sizes - good thing we have Finn's stroller for the transport. The euro is a lot lower than our dollar so we are being very careful as to what we spend and so far are managing quite well. We found Nutella and Peanut Butter for Angie so she is happy. The WiFi has been down since we arrived so I found a nice German tourist today who took me to a pub and that's where I am. I have to hurry because we go out with the whales again today.

We have swam with the Whales three times now and there just aren’t words… The Dolphins haven’t come down the coast yet so they may show up or it will just be the whales. Awesome, breathtaking and spiritual. The whales just hover around Finnley. We(Angie & I) have to swim to them but they just come to her and surround her – it’s astounding.

The baby ones flip their tails on the top of that water around her and the mamas swim underneath her. They just line up and sit by her. I heard them for the first time yesterday while snorkeling with them. I am getting messages for my life as well each time I swim them and a lot of tears are coming. The way these researchers are connected to these creatures is astounding. They call them in to us with singing and a harmonica. The sea will be perfectly open = not a whale in site for as far as you can see and then the singing starts and they emerge all around us. It's magical. Steven Speilberg couldn't do it justice. Big, massive deep grey fins, just floating in the water. We aren't allowed to take photos of the boat trips because it disrupts the process but they will email them to us once we are home.

Finnley loves the water and the boat and smiles with the whales. Angie is having a lot of processing too – this is truly a once in a lifetime trip. Finnley is making so much more eye contact with all of us. Yesterday she kept looking right at the whales and laughing. It brings tears to my eyes. I don't know if I have ever cried this much. I will try to update again this weekend. THANK YOU so much again!! Love to you all!

Help Finn Swim with the Dolphins and Whales in Spain!!

2011-09-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

We are half way there! We just have plane tickets, taxi's, food and 2 hotel nights in Madrid and then we are set! We have raised the research fee! You can donate by clicking the Chip In link above or if you prefer to send a check -
Make it out to Universal Alliance for Family Health and mail it to:
2210 Encinitas Blvd. Suite T Encinitas, CA 92024

THANK YOU!!!

Dolphins? Sea World Dolphins? Dolphins off the coast of Mexico or in Hawaii perhaps? No - come on folks! That would be WAY to easy for me. You know I never go the simplest route. The dolphins we need can't be humanized or tame. The wild dolphins are off the coast of Spain - the Canary Islands - Tenerife to be exact. I just couldn't find them further away from San Diego could I???

My friend Anna Verwaal met these researchers at a Birth Round Table in April of this year and they thought Finn may be a good candidate for the healing brought about by these amazing creatures. Thank you Anna! We applied for the study and just found out this week that we qualified and need to raise some funds ASAP to get there by December. Luckily, we have a non-profit we can use this time so that sponsors can get a tax write off if they need one.

The researchers are a husband and wife team from Germany who go to the Canary Islands every winter during the birthing migration of the whales and dolphins. Roma Spring is a pediatric nurse, a midwife with 15 years professional experience - specializing in water birth, pre-peri and post-natal psychology, therapeutic supplementary training and homeopathy. Volker Todt is an Educational Psychology Professor who also specialized in children and adolescents. Roma is very open to speaking with sponsors for Finnley directly about the study and what they do. Here is the site in German - if you have Google Chrome downloaded, it will translate each page for you :) Human Dolphin Research Study

Finnley is the first American to get into this 10 year old world study being done off the coast of the Canary Islands. The Human-Dolphin Research Eco-psychological field study is the only one of it's kind and the only place where you can legally swim with wild dolphins and pilot whales. It's purpose: is about one of the most extraordinary and possibly most powerful peak experiences with nature and probably a therapeutic potential for recovering from physical and emotional trauma(including birth trauma) - the encounter with dolphins and whales in freedom.

Dolphins have a long history throughout the ages of being connected to man. They have saved sailors from being lost at sea, children from drowning and surfers and fishermen from being swept out with the tide. They are very intuitive and have been known to bring about healing with their sonar and clicking that they use on human beings. The study is being used to show how remarkable these creatures are in healing us and how they do it. The researchers hope is that this study and its findings will then help bring an end to the senseless killing of dolphins and whales and bring about more protection once we know how they heal the human race.

For those of you who don't know much about Finnley - she has very limited eye sight (due to cortical visionary impairment), cerebral palsy and epilepsy. These things are all connected to the central nervous system. The doctors never came to a decision on when and what happened to Finnley during birth. Results should have shown a cord problem but it was perfect. Her heart rate was steady and within normal ranges during the entire labor. The trauma suffered during birth is just unexplained.

Why we looked into this study:
Dolphins and Whales have been shown to reconnect and form new synapses in the brain improving all of Finn's diagnoses. Of course the results are different with each child but Finnley has miracles that happen around her - the fact that she is alive is a testament of that. We were led to this study for a reason and it has clicked into place to easily for it not to be the right place for her. This study tracks the children for several years - gathering information from teachers, doctors and other medical specialists that work with the child post dolphin/whale encounter. The healing takes place over time as the childs body clears out the trauma and forms new pathways for development. What a blessing to be included.

Here is a bit about the study for the scientific minded...

Aims of Research
1. Description and analysis of social human-dolphin interaction during encounters on the open sea.
2. Development and evaluation of an integrative concept of Dolphin Family Therapy for children and juveniles with developmental disorders involving human-dolphin interaction as initiation and catalyst in psychotherapeutic processes.
3. Investigation of the natural therapeutic power of encounters with dolphins and whales. Description and analysis of general and different variables of therapeutic effectiveness in human-dolphin encounters on the open sea.
4. Description and analysis of natural therapeutic process variables, especially related to the interaction with dolphins or whales, independent from other variables in the field, which also might influence the therapeutic process.

Why dolphins ?
Dolphins have a lot of similarity to humans. Though they are living in the water, they have lungs and for breathing they have to come up to the surface. According to J. Lilly, the brain of a bottle nose dolphin is as large as the brain of man. They have a neo-cortex like humans and the structure of the brain is similar, even a little bit more complex. They are giving birth like humans. They breastfeed their babies. They most likely have a kind of humour, also emotions and empathy. They have social structures, especially the pilot whales are living in families and communities. They have a communication system. Their morphic field is probably similar to the human field, this is possibly the reason for the great interest of humans in dolphins and also the great interest of dolphins in humans. If there is an interspecies interest, there is a natural base for interaction.

Why dolphins (or whales) in freedom?
According to Rick O’Berry dolphins are suffering in captivity. Their life expectancy of 40 years is reduced to 5,3 years. They are conditioned and loose their natural habits. If they really have a healing potential for humans, they should be honoured and respected. We should not dominate and exploit them. To discover their natural healing potential it is absolutely necessary to investigate this respectfully in their natural habitat.

We(meaning myself, both my daughters and another adult therapist brought along to help with the kids) will be in Tenerife for two full weeks. We will go out on the boat and meet up with the pods. The average of meeting up with them is 96% and we will do seven trips out on days with good sailing conditions. Individual and family psychotherapy is done in the off times, helping all of us to heal and better deal with the special needs brought about by birth trauma.

Interactions with dolphins and whales(cetaceans)have been shown to help with Autism, Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida, seizure disorders and many other issues. While a lot of this study is recorded in German, the parts we have been able to translate are pretty incredible. All of us will have the opportunity to interact and swim with the cetaceans. They sonar and click and interact with the people they need to heal. Sometimes it is just one dolphin that attaches itself around the human -and other times it is the entire pod.

Finnley will be in the water experiencing the clicks, sonar by way of dolphin touch and movement through the water. Sometimes the dolphins nudge certain parts of the body while making noise. Sometimes they swim in different patterns around the child and sometimes its a group that surrounds and sonars patterns at the same time. The cetaceans seem to know what the individual needs and in their natural environment - they do their thing.

About 3-4 times each season(study is conducted November through May each year) a 24 meter Pilot whale may migrate through, escorted by spotted dolphins. In our U.S. measurements - that whale is almost 79 feet long. Now imagine the size of that whales brain and the ultrasound and energy coming from it towards Finnley. Not that we'll be fortunate enough to see one of the big ones - but if Finnley needs him - he will come. I am so excited for my daughters to have this opportunity. Some children have even gotten off all of their seizures meds. after these dolphin encounters. This is truly a once in a lifetime chance for some healing that Finn's brain and eyes may not be able to get anywhere else.

We need to raise the deposit of 800 euros($1100.00) within the next 3 weeks and then the remainder by mid November. The flights we are hoping to get is the direct one from LAX to Madrid and then the 2 hr to Tenerife South airport. That way we won't have a lot of layovers and extra hours with Finnley in the air. It's going to be a grueling trip for her but well worth it!

If you would like to help Finn get to Spain, your contribution would be most helpful and appreciated. If you need a tax write off then a check to the non-profit(Universal Alliance for Family Health) is the way to go and you can send me an email directly to care@SanDiegoHypnoBirth.com to get the address for mailing.

If a tax write off is not worth the effort, then you can hit the button and donate here. Thank you in advance for your generous spirit. Wouldn't we travel to the ends of the earth for our babies? Of course we would... Hugs to all of you and thank you...!

It's Been a Long , Hot Summer...

2011-09-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

That title is actually one of my favorite Keith Urban songs but my summer was not long and hot because anything fun and sexy was going on over here - bummer egh? As the heat of summer set in with no air conditioning in my house - Finnie went in for her double hip surgery and body cast at Children's Hospital. I really have nothing to complain about because we were in the hospital for two weeks and they had air-conditioning during the first heat wave. The dogs were not happy but only Angie and her cousin Shirley dealt with that mess so I am counting my blessings!

The surgery was a success. New hip sockets, legs in place and no blood transfusion which is rare for this type of surgery. It took several days for the doctors to get Finn's pain meds right and all she could do was cry. It was horrible to feel so helpless in making things better for her.

For the record - body casts are not fun in anyway shape or form. Changing diapers consists of tucking open diapers around the pee pee/poo poo places and hoping you catch it all before in runs down her legs into the cast or goes up the back and out the top - soaking the sheets yet again... At any rate - it all soaks into the cotton that lines the inside of the cast and smells just heavenly! There are not words graphic enough to describe it and I have new respect for the nurses that work that surgical unit and parents that take children home with a body cast.

The body cast was white. White? Really? Do you know how many colors they can make a cast into? My friend Kim had brought some hot pink duct tape to line the poopy part of the cast(so we could wipe it better when it got messed on)and Angie and I went to town. We ripped off strips of duct tape, covering Finn like a pinata! By the time we were done - she was almost two bright to look at. When the nurses came in and saw what we had done - their mouths dropped to the floor. I guess it was a first for them. Too bad no one said that the cast was breathable and we had just sealed in her skins ability to get rid of excess water. (The doctors promptly cut the tape off at our 2nd week appointment and the cast was soaked - oops!)

Once home, we had a few challenges moving her about, finding comfortable spots for her to lay(when she HATES laying) and coming up with ways to entertain her. Finnie always danced her legs to the music to pass the time and now they were stiff and immoveable. Cruel and unusual punishment is what it was. We all found ourselves singing and tapping and waving the pom poms in her face for countless hours to keep her from noticing the situation. I am impressed with the fact that we were very good about not complaining about the heat - since we knew that Finnley was probably 10 times hotter in that body cast and couldn't do one thing about it. It was a long, hot summer...

One Saturday in between classes, I received several calls from the same number. It seemed urgent since they called back to back so I took 5 minutes to see if it was a laboring mom. It was not. Instead it was a delivery man for B & M Distributing and they had a swing to deliver. These are the mack daddy of all swings! They are outdoor swings for adults but the only swing big enough to lay Finn on her back and keep her moving. It was a gift from Mary, the owner and one that I cannot repay anytime soon. IT SAVED US! Finn LOVES it and spends hours in it. We have now tied a clothes line on it so we get a little sit down time too!

After a month, we got the cast cut off and she went into her body brace. She will wear this 24/7 until mid October and then we can just go to the night time only. We were able to pick a funky design so it's not plain white - guess they were scared of what I might try next! So we went with a zebra print. Came out brown instead of black but we are going with it! At least the velcro is hot pink.

The goal is to now have functioning hip sockets so Finnie can learn to bear weight and walk in a walker etc. This is a long process but we have nothing but time to spend :) Our next adventure is to visit the dolphins in Spain...

Finnley Started School - what an adventure...

2011-03-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Finnley's First Day of School from Care Messer on Vimeo.

Finn started school on my birthday - she had a blast, came home really tired and I had to make a video to keep my mind off the fact that she was growing up! Enjoy...

Finnley turned Three!

2011-03-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Finnie! We didn't go anywhere this year - instead we made an adventure out of a Target gift card. We did cookies instead of a cake - Angie made the candle out of a straw so Finn didn't burn down the house and we filled the playpen with balloons. I am pretty sure there are still a few of those balloons lurking around the house!

Finnie got her Pool!

2011-02-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends -
It has been a long time since I have updated you all on Finnleys progress and her pool! I have been teaching 3 or 4 days a week and doing several babies each month and then came the holidays! No excuse - just the reason behind the craziness.
BUT - just in time for the holidays -Finnley got the best present ever! Her POOL! It takes up our whole garage and that is just fine with us! I am able to get her in at least once a day and her strength is already improving. I had visions of getting her in the pool 6 hours a day but in actuality she can only tolerate about an hour at a time.

   She is doing great with the water therapy! Her limbs have begun to soften up and especially her left hand. The water temp is about 95 degrees and feels wonderful! It's costing us WAY more than we thought it would so this weekend we are working on insulating it to keep the power bill down.Thank you to everyone who helped us get this pool. It is truly another miracle sent from your kind hearts! I know the sacrifice that many of you made for her and it has not gone unnoticed.
   Finnie turns three this month - WOW! Time has flown and yet crept by at the same time.We will be losing our in home services this month and will be looking at therapy away from home. We are transitioning into putting Finn in Preschool for 1/2 a day, four days a week. I am not sure I am ready to do that but all of her therapists say I am and that's it's best for her in the long run. Our next step is getting her a wheelchair so that they can transport her to school each day. Luckily, that is something we don't have to pay for. We will have to pay for a Minivan eventually so if anyone has a lead on that - I am all ears! As she gets heavier, a wheelchair is going to be our only option to get her around - my back is already shot! I wondered when the day would come that I could no longer hold my baby and I'm afraid it's right around the corner. She is a little girl now and I am having a hard time seeing that when I look at her.
   We found a WONDERFUL Naturopath - Dr. Mazza in Hillcrest. She is doing wonderful things with this little girl and is going to figure out why she is not sleeping. We start a new line of herbs tonight. It has been since January of 2009 since Finn slept through the night. We are all overtired and cranky! That includes Miss Finn!
   The Lord has His hand in everything and as I watch things unfold in our life that are truly mind blowing - I would be so ungrateful if I didn't recognize His great works. Thanks you once again...

Baseball anyone???

2010-08-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

Fitness Fundraising Friends is hosting a fundrasier for Finnie's pool. On Saturday Sept 25th you can attend the Padres VS the Cincinnati Reds and support Finnie while having fun with your friends and family!. Tickets are the same price as the box office - $18. If you want to come to the tailgate they are sponsoring the tickets are $30 for both the food and the game. I can also send you the flier and you can take it to work, sell some tickets, and go as a group! The tickets are a tax right off as well. All tickets will be handed out a week before game time. Please contact me if you are interested. We have a lot of 500 tickets we can sell and would love to sell them all.

Thanks for all of your support!

Finnie & Ricochet

2010-08-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

Ricochet and her owner Judy, have been amazing in helping Finnie earn her pool. Here is the video that Judy made that has been circulating the internet. Thank you Judy!!
Finnie & Richochet - An Extra Ordinary Miracle Fundraiser

Thanks to all of you!

2010-08-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

Finnie's Fundraiser "Swim with Finn," was a great success! They raised over $1500.00 dollars that day to go towards Finn's pool. I appreciate all of the hard work they went to for the advertising, decorating, amazingly yummy food etc.! It was so fun and just wonderful. Finnie got to swim and so did the dogs! The Gold party was a success - thank you for cleaning out those jewelery boxes! The raffle was a great addition and thank you to all those who participated and donated to it.
We are almost at the half way point for her pool. It's something that we just couldn't do without your help and we are more than appreciative! Special blessings to all of you - we are here to help you with anything you need as well! They say it takes a village to raise a child but I feel like we have a whole metropolis on our side! WE LOVE YOU!!

Fundraiser Details

2010-07-07T07:53:00.000-07:00

Here are the details from the fundraiser flier that our friends have put together. We are so excited to attend and know how much work they have put into the event. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in our life. (They are still looking for some raffle prizes so if you have any hook ups for gift cards/certificates, services, products etc. please contact them)
The "Give Forward" site that they created for Finn has already raised over 11% of what we need for the therapy pool. This dream is surely becoming a reality for our little girl and there just aren't words enough to thank ALL OF YOU!! We love you...

This is NOT your mother’s fundraiser!!

Here is an incredible opportunity to come to a fundraiser for Finnley and actually walk away with more cash than when you arrived. In fact, the more cash YOU leave with, the bigger the percentage payout goes to the Finnley Kate Fund.
(see www.giveforward.org/finnleykate/)

1st gather your old gold jewelry: necklaces, bracelets, rings, earrings, single earrings, broken
items, white gold, platinum, sterling silver & even dental gold

Bring it to the family BBQ on Saturday, July 31st, 2010
11:00am until 7:00 pm (Open House style)
Cindy Cathie’s Home
11143 New Morning Rd
La Mesa CA 91941

Win one of our amazing raffle prizes
Enjoy some great food and drinks
Swim w/Finn
(bring your suit and towel, lifeguard will be present)
Fun games & treats for the kids - ways for them to feel like they are helping too!

YOU will be contributing to the fundraiser without having to open your wallet (except maybe to buy a raffle ticket!) We just ask that you spend a few minutes going through your jewelry box, to find some old broken and outdated items you don’t wear anymore and bring them to the party. Its that simple and fun. You will get to leave with cash in your pocket and at the same time we will be earning money for Finnley’s therapy pool!

NO gold? Ask an aunt, grandma, co-worker - spread the word! In state, out of state, facebook - anyone you can think of that can help! Invite your friends and neighbors!!
(You can even get a widget from the "give forward" site for your blog or Facebook account to share with all of your friends and family!) If you cannot make it on that day, you can still participate, sell your gold, get your cash, and help Finnley! Contact us for details.

[technical details:] We will have present a licensed, bonded and insured organization that will pay top dollar for your old gold. They test & weigh the gold in front of you, and if you agree to their price you get paid in cash on the spot. If you don’t accept the offer, you simply take your items back home.
There is no obligation to sell your items. Each person can keep the money they get from the sale of their gold. The "Finnley Kate Fund" will get a percentage of the total of the party.

RSVP # of guests to:
Cindy Cathie (619) 987-3450
Brit Mann (619) 669-5204

Don't miss out on the FUN and the chance to make a big difference in this little one’s life!!

Another Pool Update...

2010-06-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hey all - Some of my friends are going to be hosting a fundraiser for Finnie's pool next month. I don't have all of the details yet but they will have a website up about it before to long. I know that part of it has to do with old Gold and Silver that you may have taking up space in your jewelry boxes... I couldn't be more appreciative of them putting so much time and effort into helping our little one. Brit took some new photos of her and Finnley looks so old! I will post them once I have them - Brit is a bit busy with a new baby!! Congrats!! More news to come.. Love you - Care

Pool update

2010-05-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hey all - I am assuming we didn't win the pool since Publisher's Clearing House type people didn't show up with balloons at my door! BUT - I have filled out the special needs paperwork for their pools and sent it in. I am just awaiting an answer so I know how much we'll need to save. SO- thank you for all of your emails and wonderment's regarding the pool - it will be happening - just don't have all of the details yet!

Finnie is doing yummyingly well right now. Daddy can get her laughing and squealing to the point where we are all laughing just as hard. She continues to have her therapy 3x's a week and we now attend a sensory class every other Weds. at a local school. We are still not sure just how much she is seeing but her hearing is PERFECT! Nothing gets by her. She adores classical music and it's one of the mainstays of our household(I am sure that just tickles my mom to death since she FORCED us to listen to Mozart and the Mormon Tab while growing up - she said she was bound and determined that we left her home with some culture!).

On May day - we planted our traditional flowers and Angie & I branched out and did small succulent gardens. We figured we wouldn't be able to kill them as easily! We found another pink & white striped Geranium so we planted that as well. I am still on the hunt for red and white striped Martha Washington ones - so if you see any...

Oh - we are having a HypnoBirthing Story Afternoon on Sat. May 22nd if you know anyone who is pregnant or thinking about becoming that way! I went to one of these when I was prego and it changed the course of my life pretty much! Oh - and San Diego HypnoBirthing was on the news last week! Fox 5 called me and wanted to do a story that evening on the 6:00 news. it was crazy! I had pretty much an hour to get ready and find a new mom to meet me at the Birth Center for an interview! It was fun but a bit nerve racking. Anyway - you can see it on my site if want a good laugh!
SanDiegoHypniBirthing.com

Too good to be true??

2010-03-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

I just got an email from my friend Amanda in Wisconsin. She has been looking for the therapy pool for Finnie on various Craigs lists etc(nice to have friends that go above and beyond - so blessed!). Well - she stumbled upon this link - where we can enter to win one! Of course - the entry date is March 31st so we only have 3 days left to enter. I guess it asks on the bottom of the form what you want to do with the pool if you win so she put, "donate to Finnley Messer." It's the fastlane Pool when they ask you to check the box. I see now that it's an Ironman sweepstakes - guess we are training for more of a life for Finnie than just a race(I can't believe I just said the the Ironman was "just a race!" I could be so lucky to be as fit as all of those amazing competitors!). Wonder if a baby with special needs is the kind of publicity they are looking for with their contest - probably not???

She suggested that I enter to win and then send it out to all "my peeps" and of course - it sounds like a great idea! It's only one entry per household and we don't have a lot of time. If you would consider giving up a great summer pool if you win - to help the yummiest little girl ever - it would be a true answer to prayer. Here's the link below!
Thanks Amanda!! xoxo - Care

Win a Pool for Finnie! Click Here

Our next goal...Finn's therapy Pool

2010-03-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone wanna buy some cupcakes?? I think I may have to plan the biggest bake sale in San Diego history for this one!!

We found blisters on the sides of Finnie's feet and couldn't figure out how she would have gotten them. She doesn't wear shoes so we were quite alarmed. We soon noticed that when she would kick in the tub - her legs had gotten to long - she was rubbing her pinky toes raw along the side as she moved.

Now that Finn has outgrown her bathtub where she was able to exercise each day, we are on a quest to save for the therapy pool. It may look like a party but it actually fits inside the garage(It is not a jacuzzi with jets - relax mom!). The garage is the best place for it so we don't have to sunscreen her pale skin every time we get her in it. Oh - and no bird poop in the pool!! That's another plus...

This may be our only shot at getting her muscles strong enough for walking, coordination etc. She improved so much last summer in the community pools that we know daily therapy at home can only triple that result. The base price is quite unbelievable for unemployed parents($10,900.00) but they do offer a special needs discount so we don't know exactly how much it will cost yet. Cost really doesn't matter at this point - Finnie needs it, so we have to find a way to may it happen.

I figured if I doula 19 babies, I can pay cash for it - it's just a bit irresponsible to that in 2 months time!! So - I am open to any ideas that anyone has! The woman at the pool company said that sometimes Kiwanis or Rotary Clubs help out with special needs equipment - know anyone that belongs to one of those?
The pool has a current that you can turn on so that it increases the resistance she will be working against. It's portable so we can take it when we move. And if she grows out of this one - WE ARE ALL IN TROUBLE!!

Any ideas????

Happy Birthday Lil' Popo!!

2010-03-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

Finnie's Second Year...

2010-03-05T13:41:00.001-08:00

This slideshow made with Smilebox

Two births in Two days...nope - Three births in Four!

2010-01-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

Wow - wow - wow... My first two births of the new year came 1 day apart. Luckily a day is made up of 24 hours so I was able to sleep in between but WOW. I am constantly amazed at this path that I am on. What a sacred work it is to attend births. Seeing and helping a baby come into the world is nothing short of a miracle from heaven. Watching the strength that a mother and father are naturally equip with I think surprises all three of us at the time but yet we can sense it's been there all along. I use the word amazed a lot when speaking of birth work and births but I can't come up with another that describes the sense of awe I feel. I hope that feeling never goes away and they never become just another task to perform(if so, I am in the wrong line of work).

Each birth takes me back to Finnie's. I would do it all over again. Her birth was incredible and most fulfilling. A most wonderful experience that has shaped all of our lives. Finnley has such a true soul. Her sweet spirit has gotten me through some of the roughest days I've faced. What a blessing from our Lord to allow her to remain in my home. I don't take a second of that miracle for granted and only wish that everyone had the opportunity to be with her as I am. You can't help but to be changed by it from the inside out. Her birth is a many level miracle, not just one event, but continual.

Maybe one should not utter these words like these to tempt fate but I almost welcome hard experiences now. Facing them, working through them is how we grow and become. Running from them only prolongs, drags out and hurts us worse. It can also hurt those we love. I don't like pain and hard things but I see the value in them. I appreciate the sweet, small moments in life that I took for granted in the past. I see that my scrapbooks reflect the little things now, not just the big events that take place. I keep track of the way things make me feel now - experiences that warm my heart or ones that tear it apart. They are all there for my growth and I savor them as wonderful learning opportunities.

I am learning to forgive myself and and others more readily and not to hold on to grudges and painful words. It's a process I am not perfected in - but I feel a change within me and I know the Lord is by my side. Heaven knows I have made many, many more mistakes than I care to remember and that I have hurt people in the past. I am so sorry for that and wish I knew then what I am learning now. If you are one of those people, I am truly sorry for any hurt or upset I have caused you. I have also learned that when people aren't what they seem, or when you are finally open to seeing them for what their actions are displaying, it is okay to let them go and move on with your life. Holding on to damaging relationships doesn't help either party.

I see my life on a path that is moving towards positive and healthy changes. My vision board helps refocus me visually on that road. It's a conscious effort on my part and I have to realign my thinking and actions daily. But I am working towards moving forward and daily change must be constant. You have to be open to it and embrace it. I can feel a difference in days where my heart and mind are not present and working together. I don't feel it is a coincidence that negative influences are being replaced with people whose presence I am astounded to be in. There is so much we can learn from one another. Getting involved with my Birthing work is bringing wonderful, open people into my life who are on a similar journey. I learn from them while they learn from me. I had a private class the other night with people that are nothing short of incredible.

...fastforward...rewind...I put my post on hold so I could take Finnie to her Dr. appt. Here is how the day unfolded...
After a very stormy night - wind, rain, hail and wind - Finn had her tri-annual
Neurology appt. Paul stayed home to get some rest since he was up most of the early hours with her, so off we went. The rain was horrible and driving made me nervous with my little yum yum in the back seat. Parking was a joke and of course all of the Handicap spaces were taken. We parked in the FARTHEST spot in the lot around the back of the building. I thought about getting the stroller out but it was too rainy and our umbrella wouldn't have covered the stroller.

As we get inside the building, the elevator is out. Our doctor is on the 5th floor. I thought - I can do five flights of stairs. Jumping in without really thinking things through has always been a problem for me. By the 3rd landing I was near a heart attack. My purse weighs about 15lbs., Finn weighs 24lbs., the diaper bag about 5lbs and we had a bulky blanket & long umbrella with us. Hmmmmmmmm. Yeah - should have rescheduled! But that brings it's own issues so I continued climbing. Finnley enjoyed the bumping and panting - she giggled most of the time. As I came to the check in desk, I had to take five minutes and catch my breath - or should I say find my breath. I considered passing out but who would take care of Finnie? I got a grip and asked them when the elevators would be fixed. They said they had been out all morning and most people had called and canceled before they attempted the stairs. Smart people...

After our appt. the doctor asked us to go to the hospital lab across the street to get a bagged urine sample. He could see how frazzled and tired I was and the weather was only getting worse - he apologized but said it had to be done. So, we packed up and began our descent down the five flights of stairs. I was surprised that it was almost as hard because her blanket kept getting in the way and I was really struggling with not falling to our death! As we got outside - the wind was everywhere! The rain was coming down so hard with the wind that I didn't dare open the umbrella so I threw the blanket over Finn and headed for the car. Oh - did I mention that I wore flip flops? Slippery flip flops that made the walk impossible. It still gets worse... As I was rounding the corner, my pants fell to the ground! To the ground! There I was, standing in my undies for all the world to see - rain, wind, baby, diaper bag, purse, blanket and umbrella taking up all of my hands! I knew if I let go of everything I would drop Finnie so it took a moment to think about how I was going to do this. I swore in my mind and then I began to laugh. If people were watching me - what a show!! I managed to transfer everything but the umbrella to my right hand and I slowly lowered myself down to grab my waistband. By this time(it seemed like forever)my legs and jeans were wet so it took a good 30 seconds to inch them up. My balance was off and Finnie was squirming all over the place and I was losing my grip on the lot of them. It was horrible and absolutely hysterical all at the same time! I scooted my way back to the car. We were all wet and soggy by the time we got in.

I was tired and crying by this time and knew we still had another building to tackle. You'll never believe that their power across the street was out as well - so NO ELEVATOR!! This building had an open stairway and rain was pouring over the drain-spouts in gallon sized dumps. I tried to keep Finnie from the brunt of it but we were soaked but the time we got inside. The lab was standing room only and there was just NO way I was going to wait for two hours like this! Oh - did I mention that Finn had been fasting? Yeah - she was not the most amiable baby by this point. I asked for the urine bags to take home and headed for the stairs - again. This time, I had to keep a hold of my pants while walking because they were even more heavy and stretched out from the rain. I guess I have lost some weight. I knew they were a little baggy when I put them on - but come on! When we got into the car, I paused for a minute to catch my breath before starting the car. My phone rang at 12:42- it was my last January mom telling me that her water had released and that she was waiting for the surges(contractions) to start. WOW!!!

I got Finnie home, dried her off and Paul started feeding her. I jumped on the shower so that I could re-group and be presentable for this next birth. I threw the pants into the donation pile...

I baked cookies for the midwives since her surges were just getting going. She felt relaxed so she said I didn't need to rush over. By 5pm, she said she was still doing fine but that they were about 4 minutes apart. We decided that I should call the photographer and meet there at 6:00. We both arrived and found mom relaxing to her CD on the bed with dad by her side. She was talking and laughing in between and felt calm and upbeat. We left for the birth center a bit before seven and baby was born just after 8pm. It was an amazing water birth and she and her husband delivered their own baby! To say it was incredible would be the biggest understatement of the year! The photos turned out beautifully and I am so excited that this mom is letting me post her birth story slide show on my website.

It was a sacred ending to a roller coaster day. I am very thankful that I was able to attend all three births in the four days, not missing anything - feeling very well rested and blessed to be a part of them. These women were/are so strong and while all three births were very different - they ended the same. Strong women, making the best decisions for their babies and bringing a beautiful beginning to their childrens lives. I love this thing called life!

Christmas smiles...

2009-12-26T10:54:00.001-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

We had a great Christmas this year. December was full of fun parties and lots of smiles. Thank you to all who helped make it a warm and happy holiday for my girls!

Finn is getting better at turning to her side and has even grabbed for toys! Only took us two years but who's counting??!! We will start working with Dr. Hedayat this next month and I am really looking forward to it. He has already met her PT(Physical therapist)and they will be working together!

Paul had some job interviews and we'll find out more after the first of the year. Finn's Dr. appt.s went well I guess - they haven't called to say there was a problem. We're going with no news is good news! Angie and I completed our traditional Gingerbread house with a fruit stripe gum roof that took a long time to complete. We like it enough to do it from now on. We made several batches of cookies, pies and breads to take around and enjoyed our baking time together. Christmas is so full of traditions at our house and it really helps keep things tight and together!

I am just getting the last details filled in for my upcoming group classes and start another private class this week. We are looking forward to the new year and the blessings that it will bring. We hope that you all enjoy the time you have with those you love... It's precious and not to be taken for granted...

Merry Merry -

God knows my details...Thanksgiving blessings...

2009-12-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Yes - It is December and I am filling in for the last month I missed blogging. I am really proud of those of you who can do it everyday or even once a week. Crazy doesn't even begin to tell you what our household has been like - so briefly - I'll explain...

I finished up the Group HypnoBirthing classes, I was still teaching a private class, my partner decided to go back to Nursing school-so we split our business, I had to re-advertise, re-do the website, change the business name/license, organize my curriculum and homework for my couples, make and send cards to my couples, organize my email templates for future classes, finish up my observation childbirth class for my DONA certification, make checkoff sheets so that I wouldn't miss anything for my class registrations, finished three books for certification & doula training, found a place to teach, get that paid for and sign contracts(which I did, yea!) - and I had to finish up any and all Christmas presents, do Finn's therapy and had doctor's appts. in the small time allotted in between. I barely had time for breathing so the blogging had to stay in my head for the month. So, not an excuse - just an explanation.

To say that I am not grateful for this past year, it's lessons, heartaches and rejoicings - would be a felony. My heart is full for what the Lord has taught me and blessed me with this last year.
He is so aware of our details - it's not always the big stuff that he fixes - he is aware of our details. I found myself turning upwards everyday in thanks for the details being met. I have learned by repeated experiences how our thoughts effect our daily outcomes - what we put out is what we get in return. When I am able to put my worries to the side and thoughts of "the Lord will take care of things - don't worry" replace those thoughts- it happens.

The thought of paying $2000.00 for a walker that Finn needs made my heart sick and I cried. It is so hard to know your child needs something and have zero resources to draw from. It had been even harder on Paul. But - put the worry aside and our therapist then came along with a frame that had been sitting in a clients garage, our families came through with enough money to give me the hope that it would all be OK. The feeling of peace came and we then found a website that offers used equipment for more than 1/2 the cost of new and I am in email contact with several leads. The feeling of peace is key because I know that God is aware of our details.

When I first began teaching my classes, I had a lot of passion behind my teaching because I know it works - it's all the medical jargon I couldn't pronounce that filled me with fear and doubt. I was praying a Dr. wouldn't be in my group and have to correct my pronunciations! But, putting worry aside(which took a lot of effort) - I have sailed through each class without a hiccup and the words have flowed like it's normal language for me. The feeling of peace is there and I know He knows my details.

I suppose the most amazing example of God knowing my details is what happened this month. I didn't think that a partnership ending would be the door that brought Finnley exactly what she needed and what I had been praying so hard for.

I felt the peace inside when my partner and I decided to split. We are still good friends and I wasn't worried about that changing but having to re-do everything that we had done together, finding places to teach etc. was a HUGE and daunting task to face. It freaked me out and I was scared to death - but still I felt peace. Trusting that, I ask that I be in tune enough to follow what he wanted for me.

I wanted to add some aromatherapy options for my couples to use in class and during their birthing times. On the Internet, I found a doctor that works about 4 miles from my house who owns Aroma MD - an organic, medical grade line of oils. I went to his office and picked up a bottle to help me sleep(since the stress wasn't allowing much of that to go on for me) and I spoke with him briefly on a Friday. He was so kind and I again felt that peace while in his office but didn't really think much of it. I went about my day and the feelings came stronger and more intense that I needed to call him on Monday and see if he would be open to me holding classes in his office. I called him on Monday and he said he would be open to it and ask what I would like to pay. We made an appt. for Tuesday and I found myself in his office.

I met with Dr. Hedayat and his office manager. He found out a bit more about me and my classes and then I asked him
what his specialties were so that I could advertise him etc. He told me that in Chicago he was a Neonatal doctor in the intensive care unit(NICU)and that he worked with babies born with Encephalopathy(Finn's initial diagnosis) and Cerebral Palsy (the diagnosis they want to diagnose her with)... the feeling of peace rushed my entire being and I began to cry. It caught us both off guard and he left to get me tissues. I knew at that moment that I was lead to that office and that God answered my prayers yet again. It was overwhelming me to me. I explained why I was crying and he asked me about Finnley. He is the Dr. I have been needing to fill in the gaps with her therapy and medications. He has studied and seen brain injured patients make remarkable progress just by certain brain training exercises and techniques. He explained that brains can go into a "hibernation" of sorts when there is a significant assault to it and by all tests - it can look dead. But with the right stimuli, it can recover or heal parts of it that make up for lost parts. He also said that if we would have left her in the hospital to donate her organs, she most likely would have died with no stimuli. Well, she had stimuli alright!

I walked out of there amazed, awed, thankful and blessed that Heavenly Father knows my details. All of this- the classes, the study, the preparation, the stress and the joys - helped me get to this place. I cried the rest of the week and did Hosanna shouts in my heart. Do we really know how God lovingly guides out lives? Even the hard stuff is moving us towards what is better. I believe that we don't recognize it until we change our outlook and our output -but it's there and it's real.

I begin teaching in Dr. Hedayat's office in January and in the Birth Center downtown(where Finnie was born)in February. I have 3 mom's due in January so it will be a busy month a and I can't wait! Wow - I have so much to be thankful for...

Help a Chick out!!

2009-11-01T08:49:00.000-08:00

Bringing an End to World Hunger Through Unimaginable Blessings

During this Autumnal time of year, we as a society begin to reflect on our blessings and what we have.

Angie & Finnley have been such blessings to our family and giving back to others is the only way we have to show the Lord our gratefulness. Finnley continues to do well, making little improvements everyday. We are working on getting her a "Gait" walker so that we can develop her leg muscles to hopefully begin the process of learning how to walk. It may take us years but are going down that road! Angie turns 13 next week and got wonderful grades on her first progress report! (She is SO lucky she didn't get her brains from me!) Today marks the one year of unemployment and it has only been by the Lord's blessings that we are still here! Many times, He answers our prayers through the generosity and thoughtfulness of others and it's our turn to help facilitate that for someone else.

We learned about Hiefer International on an Oprah show and it has opened up a world of opportunities to give all over the world. Hiefer International places livestock in villages and teaches communities how to raise and keep the animals to better the lives of their families. This Autumn time - we are inviting you to join with us in giving a "Flock of Chicks" to help a family from Africa to the Caribbean. For just $20.00 you can give a gift that will touch many families. We also encourage you to explore the site and see all the wonderful work that they do. Happy Autumn...

Flock of Chicks

A flock of chicks can help families add nourishing, life-sustaining eggs to their inadequate diets.

The protein in just one egg is a nutritious gift for a hungry child. Protein-packed eggs from even a single chicken can make a life-saving difference.

Heifer helps many hungry families with a starter flock of 10 to 50 chicks. A good hen can lay up to 200 eggs a year - plenty to eat, share or sell. With Heifer recipients' commitment to pass on the offspring and training, the exponential impact of adding chickens to communities in poverty is truly a model that helps end hunger and poverty.

Because chickens require little space and can thrive on readily available food scraps, families can make money from the birds without spending much. And chickens help control insects and fertilize gardens.

In Tanzania, Omari and Kulwa were struggling to raise a family on just 50 cents a day. With the training and chicks they received from Heifer, egg sales have boosted their daily income to $2, so they can now buy food and still pay school fees. Now, through passing on the gift, all of the children in their village are going to school.

Today, millions of people who were once hungry will be nourished by milk, eggs and fresh vegetables.self-reliance

Families who for generations knew only poverty will be building new homes and starting businesses.

Children who once headed out to the fields to do backbreaking work will be heading into schoolrooms to learn to read.

And people who never thought they’d be in a position to help someone else will be experiencing the joy of charitable giving.

How is this possible?

With Heifer’s proven approach – almost 60 years in the making – to helping people obtain a sustainable source of food and income.

Cornerstones guide our efforts to end world hunger and care for the earth.

Long-Term Solutions emphasizing community involvement distinguish our work from that of global relief organizations.

“Passing on the Gift” means recipients agree to share the offspring of gift animals with others in need, making them equal partners with Heifer in the fight to end world hunger.

Environment and Sustainable Development is taught to our project recipients to help them achieve sustainable agricultural production.

Animal Well-Being guidelines are strictly reinforced with professional veterinary training staff.

Disaster Rehabilitation, with long-term, sustainable development the goal of Heifer's rehabilitation projects.
How We Measure Success shows how people's lives have permanently changed since Heifer came along.

Donate Some Chicks!!

Feel free to send this on to more friends - let's see how many chicks we can get. Be sure to say a little prayer that they reach the family that needs them the most! We love you and can't wait to share another holiday season with you!! Love - Care

Someday is NOT on the calendar!!

2009-10-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

Meaning to do something is just a great form of procrastination. I can put off doing something forever by using the excuse that I will 'get to it someday'! It has now been a month since I have updated the blog(thank you to all who sent me notes reminding of that)and I learned from a great woman this month that, "Someday is not on the calendar!" If you want to do it and it's important - you'll write it down and follow through. So I am updating Finn's Blog because it is important to me. I wrote "update blog" down to prove to myself that someday only comes when it falls on a day of the week! Today someday falls on Friday!

Life changes so fast that I have had a hard time keeping up with it this month. I went to Florida for 9 days to certify in my HypnoBirth training. AMAZING is all I can say about that week. Although I terribly missed my family(and dogs,)I met the most powerful and life changing women. It was remarkable. It was as if I had always known them.

I had two of the BEST roommates I could ask for - we had a ball! I brought enough cup of soup and easy mac in my suitcase that I only had to eat out once the entire time. (I will never eat that stuff again, gag, but the food I packed for the week only cost $10.97 - thank you Wal-mart!) The weather was humid to say the least but the beach was gorgeous and the hurricanes were non-existent! I took in so much information I was sure it was impossible to hold it all inside.

My trainers, Lorie and Vivian were fabulous! They run a "HypnoBirthing empire" in Boca Raton Florida called Amazing Births and I was grateful for all of their time patience in answering all of my questions. I met Mickey Mongan, the founder of HypnoBirthing and gave her my HypnoBirthing story book. She loved Finn's story so she asked me to speak after lunch the next day to the practitioners. Of course I cried all the way through it but it was a good experience. I met a lot of women afterward who had experienced loss and/or had taught couples who had. It was very enlightening and a moving few days. I have never felt so honored to be with these remarkable and passionate women. I really feel blessed to be on this journey. With my new business partner, France, we have really gotten our classes organized and are excited to get things started. The website is up(not as polished as I would like it)but our classes are filling fast. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. Doors are opening as they should and we are on a roll!

With that said - I missed Angie's first day of school. That was hard on both of us. Paul is still without a job and Finn will be losing home services soon. Days are hard and very uncomfortable at times. My car needed repair and thanks to an angel - it did. Then today, Paul's car began to smoke while I was sitting at an intersection. What fun! Luckily, I had my rose colored sunglasses in the car so the smoke looked more like fog which helped me not to break down while billowing smoke clouds drifted to nearby buildings. There has got to be a really good church talk in here somewhere right?

This week, I really felt like a one way ticket to Kauai is all I really needed. Just a break to sleep and cry it all out. It could be SO much worse. I know that things turn around in their own time. I just need to pray for more patience(or a winning lottery ticket). As I sat on the couch, feeling overwhelmed and almost sorry for myself - Finnie began to giggle. Squirming and giggling uncontrollably. Ahhhhhhhhh - what that did for my soul! A little bit of heaven right in front of me and I almost missed it. Wouldn't it be so much worse if she weren't here? She is so yummy. If anyone ever needs a pick me up - one minute with this little girl is all you need. Her spirit is undeniably divine in nature. Angie says she can come home from an awful day of school and Finn can wipe the whole day clean for her. Finn just has a way about her and how blessed we are to share this life with her.

I know that Finnie is here due to all the prayers you say and have said for her. I thank all of you for that. She is our ray of hope when hope seems to be buried under a HUGE PILE OF ....well ya know. Hope is at the very bottom of that pile! My love to all of you.. and the good Lord above for keeping my baby in my arms...

Reinvention...

2009-09-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

Angie's new hair cut inspired this post. It's been a long time coming but life has been CRAZY this summer. I would post every week if I wasn't working - yeah right. I will not lie. I refuse to become a slave to this blog - I am obsessive enough about the rest of my life. Believe it or not, it takes self discipline to not jump on the computer every time I have a thought to share. Balance is hard to achieve for us "A" personalities..

Have any of you seen the latest General Motors commercial called "Reinvention"? I invite you to watch it on "You Tube" if you haven't seen it(I would link it but can't figure it out). It basically sets forth how times have changed and the car industry isn't what it used to be. The commercial then shows how the world has evolved and how we have modified our expectations and expect different things now from our products and our nation. WOW - who would a thunk that a car ad for a nearly bankrupt company would help me transform my life? When I trace back to what started me on this journey to making things happen instead of letting things happen - I attribute it to General Motors. Thank you GM - I needed a good swift kick in the reinvention butt...

Times have changed. I have changed. My family has changed. Our circumstances have changed. Some for the better, some for the "What the heck, are you kidding me right now!" Did I ever think at this stage in our life, in our marriage, that we would be bankrupt - emotionally and pretty much physically? Could I have foreseen this future for myself and my family? No way. I tend to look on the bright side of things - especially for the future.

I never saw it coming. Sound familiar? We all want a crystal ball to see where we will be in five years. We think that it will be wonderful and that the knowledge of that will get us through the hard times. I am alone here? How grateful I am that I didn't have that crystal ball five years ago - it may have scared me so much - I would have just up and left town. Or worse, gone postal on unsuspecting bystanders... Life railroads all of us in different ways. I feel it's a shared experience we all have in common. There are great times with cherished memories and those memories are only precious because we have strained and hard times to compare them too. There is opposition in all things and that is the only way to appreciate the good things in our lives. It's what helps us make sense of it all.

Reinvention... It's been my jump start to making sense of it all. Time to transform my actions into what I want to happen. My brother calls it "putting it all out to the universe, giving up the fight and letting it take over and run things for a change."

My vision board now includes the minivan we will need for Finn's future wheel chair. Did I ever think I would need a wheelchair for my little girl? No - but now I know it will be the most sparkly pink and gaudy chair you have ever seen!(Hey, maybe I'll start a tend!) Did I ever see myself in a minivan - absolutely not, but I'll also be needing it to run Angie & her water polo teammates out for ice cream.

It occurred to me that Finn's condition or her 'special needs' are just temporary. They aren't eternal in nature. They are temporal. Life on earth is just a blip on the eternal radar. Perspective makes all the difference. She has the sweetest spirit imaginable and it just oozes out of her yummyness! To know her is to adore her, what a blessing she is. The lessons that we, as a family, continually learn from her sharing our home out number the stresses that we face each day. God is so good and He loves us so much.

The challenge then, is turning lemons into lemonade without a thought as to how I'm going to afford those lemons. Attitude is everything during the trial. Also remembering that someone else has it much worse helps keep things in perspective. Looking for ways to help others also keeps us afloat.

I am finishing today's entry in Florida, where I am attending my HypnoBirthing certification. What a blessing it is to be here among these amazing women. They are such good people, with giving hearts. I am learning so much from them and their experiences. They are aiding me in my reinvention with their kind hearts. It's so import ant to have a kind heart. I am so grateful for this chance to better myself and help other women when I get home. Birth has come to be such a sacred process for me. I am sure it has to do with the miscarriage losses that we have suffered in the past as well as the wonderful birth of Finnley.

Birth also represents a reinvention of sorts. It's fresh and new and something we should learn from and appreciate. To reinvent ourselves is a great "do-over" that we are blessed with. I have evolved over these past 18 months and now I am modifying my expectations and goals to fit the needs of my family. That crystal ball could have never predicted the knowledge and blessings I have gained from the heartaches. I wouldn't trade them for anything...get some reinvention and see how far you can go.

Summer's almost over??

2009-08-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

Summer has flown by but August has just been non-existent! It may have been a little more relaxing if I hadn't started it off with a 3 day intense training. The first weekend of the month was truly a life changing one for me. I attended my Doula certification training for DONA(Doulas of North America). Doula comes from a greek word meaning 'woman caregiver'. Since everyone has asked - A Doula is a person that supports a woman and her partner during birth. I had a Doula with Finnie and knew after her birth that it is what I wanted to do. However, the way Finn's first year unfolded - becoming a Doula was put way on the back burner!

Helping women go through the birth process is an amazing journey. I feel such a draw to it and two years ago it would have never entered my mind. ESPECIALLY a non-medicated birth! Are you kidding me!? HypnoBirthing got me through it and empowered me to accomplish things I never knew I could. And even if medication is necessary or chosen, I am going to feel honored that these moms wanted me there! Everyone needs support during birth - the partners do for sure! I feel that having a Doula just takes pressure off the partner to enjoy the experience and be there for the mom. They don't have to have all of the answers and they have backup when they need some help themselves. I am excited to help.

Plans for becoming a Doula and the way to achieve it have all opened up at once and I am on the train now. The women that taught our group were amazing and I learned so much from them. I found myself crying most of the weekend and wasn't sure why until Gerri explained that some of us had things that we needed to heal from and that it was a safe environment to do so. Yeah - I would say I have a few things regarding birth that I need to emotionally heal from. The women that attended with me were so kind and insightful. We were paired up on the first day to observe one another and then give them a letter on the last day telling them why you thought they would be a good Doula. Linda, who had my name and whom I hope to stay in contact with forever - wrote me a poem instead of a letter.

“DOULA CARE”

When I first met Care
She said, “I’ll be bawling”,
I smiled to myself,
I knew she’d found her calling.

Her heart is open
Her experiences profound
They will help her help others
When their turn comes ‘round.

Care will be a great doula
I have no doubt
She’s confident, funny,
And wants to help out.

Though she’ll work in hospitals
It won’t be in Acute Care
She’ll be helping healthy moms
Being a Cute Care!

She’ll encourage them, empower them,
Help them have a great birth
Her client will tell others
“She’s the salt of the earth”.

Her business will flourish
She may write a book or two
She’ll guest speak the circuit
And be passionate too.

Her friends will be wow-ed
Her clients in awe
He family so proud
Even those in Utah.

She’ll be working hard
She might forget herself
At these times she’ll recall
“Scrapbooking will help”.

And 20 years later, Care,
I need to let you know
You’ll still be a “Bawl Baby”
Because you care so.

My letter to my "buddie" was not as creative as Linda's but heartfelt and sincere just the same. The educators who taught our Doula training are also holding a lactation counselor training on the last two weekends of the month. I will be attending that as well and thank goodness that it works with my work schedule! It is amazing when what you are supposed to do in life(other than your family) - finally clicks. Going with this momentum, I also have the opportunity to go to Florida next month and train to be a HypnoBirthing educator and then attend their annual Conclave. When I am certified I will be able to teach with my HypnoBirting educator as we have decided to go into business together. It will go along with my regular job and I'll get to help these women in the process.

I am so excited but have A TON of reading to do for both of these upcoming trainings. Oh - I almost forgot. I am also going to volunteer at UCSD as a Doula and have their training in September also. It is a very fast paced schedule but while Paul is able to be at home with Finnley - this is the time when I can be relaxed in my training. I just wouldn't be able to leave her otherwise.

Finn is still doing well on her diet. The only seizures we see are occasional myoclonic ones and sometimes, if she is overtired they keep her from going to sleep right away. Her therapists feel that we may need to switch to another provider of services that deals with older children as they have more access to different medical equipment that she will be needing as she grows. The thought of saying goodbye to these wonderful people is killing me but I know this change was inevitable. We have been so blessed with Finn's caregivers - they are wonderful people who have a special place in heaven!

My nephew Drew and his family came for a visit so we did actually get to the go to the beach once this summer! Paul & I had our 16th wedding anniversary on the 6th - not that he remembered!(I'm going to cut him some slack this year because he isn't following the calender while he's a stay at home dad - but he better make it up to me next year!)

Angie is still a water polo girl and it's so fun to attend her games each week. We should just setup shop at the pool - we are ALWAYS there. We have almost all of her school shopping done now and on her trip to Utah, Uncle Jon set her up with an new IPOD so that is her new favorite passion! So much for having to earn one!! She had fun visiting all of her cousins and grandma's and is looking forward to the social scene at her new school. Summer went by quick for all of us but at least so me of us got to enjoy it!

Not a LAZY summer...

2009-07-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

To be completely truthful - gone are the lazy days of summer at our house! Along with work, I have been working on certifying for my Doula credential. My first workshop is next weekend and the reading has been endless - fun and fascinating - but very time consuming. I am very excited to begin attending births and am glad that Paul is able to be home with Finn while I get all my ducks in a row. It seems that the days speed by without enough time to finish what's on the list. I have been asked how my summer's going by so many people. I find myself wrestling for an answer. Should I be polite and say, "Wonderful, we are having a blast." Or should I tell them what the days are really like and make them sorry for asking?

Working under florescents is hardly the cry of happiness I long to share with people when the San Diego sunshine is pouring itself all over the beach right across the freeway from my job. It's been awhile since I haven't been able to just pick up and go to the beach with Angie everyday, or see a morning movie and then end up at the mall for some clearance rack school shopping. It makes the day even longer knowing that this is the face that Paul is working with right now...

Yes - Finnie is getting her molars in, her sleep pattern is off(to the tune of waking up at 3am) and Paul and Angie are ready for a break when I get home! In between the therapy appointments, we have been trying to slather Finn up with sunscreen and get to the pool 5 days a week for exercise. Paul gets us into the pool then runs Angie to swim or Water Polo, then returns, gets us out, loads the car and then we head off to pick Angie up. Then it's home for showers and food before bed. It's a family event, five days a week. The upside to the craziness is that Finn is getting so much stronger since she has been in the pool. I am VERY grateful to have friends working at pools that can let us in when they are there. A friend who lets us borrow her pool key on the off days and yet another friend who is fixing her pool so we can continue swimming after the summer season! THANK YOU to all!!

Week before last, Angie had her first water polo game of the season. Aunt Kim and Uncle Tod even came! We were SO proud of her we could hardly contain ourselves! She was so aggressive and even scored the first goal! Paul was VERY vocal and embarrassed the heck out of her. Here is the shot right before it went in.

Angie even threw another goal(or attempted) - but it went flying over the goal post and hit the wall. Even though they lost 2/15 to the other team, we had a blast! It is amazing how much stronger she is since last season. She is SOLID muscle. I guess if I was willing to tread water for two hours everyday(which I am not and never will be) I would be solid too. She is very dedicated and works really hard to improve. She will also do a swim meet at the end of summer just for a taste of the competition - this wasn't her choice but Paul convinced her it would be a good experience for her(more of a punishment or grounding but those are just technical terms right?). What will we do when we cannot so easily convince??

Good thing that we enjoy the water - pool, beach, bath whatever - we LOVE water. Maybe that's why Kauai appeals so much to me - well, that's one of the reasons! Finn has had a few myclonic seizures this past week so Paul & I are watching it pretty close. The diet has been working great up to this point and she just might be overtired.

Finnie is SO happy. She is truly joyful to be around. We can't kiss on her enough. I met a wonderful family at the pool last week that has a son with some of Finn's same issues. Joannie was a wealth of knowledge and gave me some more avenues to explore for Finn. She caught me at one of my weak moments and I couldn't stop the tears. I still find myself mourning for the life I thought Finn would have. She told me that it never goes away but it does soften over time. I hope so. I don't want to waste any of this precious time with Finn thinking about what could have been.

Every time you hug your healthy kid - give them one more. Health is more than a blessing - it's a gift. Joannie's little boy had 75 brain surgeries within the first two years of his life. Finnie is healthy compared to those results and for that we are so grateful. As long as our "wonderful state" can continue health care for Finn we can remain here in San Diego. That's really all that keeps us here with the high cost of living. If Paul gets a job here, we can stay -but if not - watch out! We may be camping out in a living room near you!! Love to you all...

Happy 4th of July!!

2009-07-05T20:31:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Summer is here!!

2009-06-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

Wow! Another month gone by and I have failed to write anything - documented it all with photos but failed at the written part. Photos seem to be my life these days - taking them, cleaning them, scanning them, uploading them... I'm a photo junkie and there is no rehab setup for someone like me! Probably a rehab for every other addiction under the sun but none for "photo fascination". I will do my best to make up for my lack of entries after I take a photo of myself in a straight jacket!!

Our photo scanning is picking up all the time and we are meeting really fun people and helping them with some great projects. I am still making time to work on our scrapbooks and enter stuff at the fair. Everyone has made fun of me entering the "Spam" contest but the grand prize was a trip to Hawaii. That was my only shot getting back there and unfortunately, I fell a little short(or a lot short if you want to be realistic)! Poor Angie was SO disappointed. The sweet thing is - it wasn't because we didn't win, it was because she knew how sad I would be not to get to go back to Hawaii. Angie has heard me talk of Kawaii so much she is sick of it! She was so worried that I would melt down to a pile of tears after the judging - she just looked at me with such sympathy! She came up with every phrase she could think of to comfort me - it really made the competition worth every can of Spam we had to eat to find a recipe good enough to enter! My brownies(actually my sister JoAnna's recipe) took 3rd place and my family tree took 2nd place so I will be bringing home ribbons this year and that was fun! Finn slept through some of the fair but managed to slurp down her bottle during the Spam judging. It was a fun day. Kawaii will just have to wait a bit longer for my return...(I'm always on the lookout for a contest or a briefcase full of cash though, so if you hear of anything...)

Finn had her first Swim Class yesterday. SHE LOVED IT!! (see the Smilebox below for all the pictures)I wasn't feeling well so Angie stepped in for me. We have got to find a warm pool this summer to get her in. She moves so well in the water and she's light enough for us to hold her! It is nothing but pure joy to see her so happy. She enjoys the simplest of things - something I am learning to do through her eyes! What a blessing that is. My friend Cindy has been after me for years to simplify and enjoy...I think I get it now.

I still find my moments of grief amidst the joy that I can't quite put words too. I wonder what Finn would be doing at this age if all had gone as "normal" with her birth. Would she be talking by now? Would she be running or still holding onto my fingers to walk? Would she be trying to sing the nursery rhymes we recite? Would she be able to hug me and say mama? Would she be climbing at the park and sliding down the slide by herself yet? It's sometimes hard to see healthy babies and kids doing all normal stuff - hitting their milestones etc. Life and the daily tasks come so easily for them. It is so hard for me to watch Finn put so much effort just to roll over a quarter of the way, never quite getting that extra bit to push herself to half way there. It's grieving for the things she was supposed to do - the dreams we all carry for our babies. Since I've never had another "healthy" baby, I wonder what it would be like. At the same time, this is all I've known and I wouldn't trade a second of it. Finnley is such a blessing and a reminder that God listens to our prayers - all of them. She is our daily does of miracle...

I look back to see what progress she has made over the last year and she has made huge strides in her development. She smiles through rigorous daily therapy and countless appointments and I am so amazed at her sweet disposition. Finnley teaches me each day that you can keep going with smile as long as you have somebody to love.

One of her therapists told me that parents seem to always strive for what the doctors have told them their children can't have. Like if their child is dependent on a feeding tube, the parent does everything in their power to get them to eat real food, even if it's physically impossible. It becomes almost a mission of sorts. Until I had Finn I would have wondered why that was so important. Their child is staying alive with the feeding tube, what's the big deal? The big deal turns out to be that someone is setting limitations on your child that has defied all odds and overcome so much in their short little, blessed life. Heavenly Father has been with her from the beginning and it's not my place to interrupt the miracles He wants to work in her life. My doctors have told me all of the "She'll never" and She wont's" - and it just propels me further to be open to great things happening. On some level, I know they are right(about some things) but on a gut level - how can I miss one opportunity to research another study, find other therapy, medication, diet, or an exercise that could give her one extra bit of something. My baby is worth every ounce of effort, no matter how hopeless others may see it. The Lord is her strength as much as He is mine- giving in or giving up are just not options.

So I may cry in private and mourn in a way for "what could have been" but when I come back to the "teething induced damp spot" on my shoulder, I remember what a blessing is that wet my shoulder is wet. Finnley is here - when they said she wouldn't be - praise be to God for that mighty miracle... Cherish the healthy ones in your life - they are miracles too!

Check out my new Video clips from Swim class!!

2009-06-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

The San Diego County Fair in June...

2009-06-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

The Eye Specialist Came...

2009-05-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

This last week we had a WONDERFUL visit with a special needs teacher who specializes in vision. One of Finnie's therapists works with her at school and bribed her into coming to our home for a visit and we couldn't have been more grateful! I didn't get her permission to use her name so I will just call her J. She gave us a lot of hope for Finnie's eyes. She brought all sorts of toys and props to evaluate her eye sight and found that she is seeing quite well. Finnie just sees things from the side or in parts and with training you can bring those parts together. CVI is a strange disorder and kids see in a really random fashion.

J gave us a lot of different exercises to work on Finnie's tracking ability etc. Finn was responding to really bright colors and things that sparkle(is she MY kid or what?). Anything neon with say black spots or stripes work well. High contrast items help her to focus her attention. Angie has taken black duct tape and decorated all of her bottles, polka dots, squares, spiral stripes etc. Then while she eats it brings her eyes to the middle - it's really cool. Finn has even been reaching for things that sparkle or light up. We are praying that in time these pieces will fit together nicely and her vision will only get better. What a blessing to have people come into our lives that give us hope and something to work towards.

At her last eye visit the doctor just said; "Hmmm, not much change. Just schedule your next visit in a year." Thank goodness there are people in the world that take an interest in children as individuals and never give up! Thank you J - you'll just never know how much you mean to us!

Month of May....

2009-05-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

What a lovely month it was. No May gray in the sky and some perfectly wonderful memories! We started off with May Day planting - a Messer family tradition. Hot Pink Geraniums were this year's choice. We even tried to propagate some in the backyard because I couldn't find anymore Candy Striped ones that I love! I'll let you know how those turn out! +

Auntie JoAnna came for a visit and commented on how we never put Finnie down... Yes, I have heard that before. But in the end - how can spoil an angel?? I'll hold her until my back gives out and then we'll just lay on the couch together!! Finnie & Angie also were invited to a pool party this last Saturday(Finn's first). It was little Jordy's 1st birthday and Finnie had a blast! She LOVED the water. Especially the Jacuzzi. When we can afford those water therapy sessions - she'll be in heaven!

Nothing is by chance -

2009-04-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

I truly believe that if the Lord wants things to happen, He prepares the way and opens the window. It amazes me each time that blessings manifest themselves in my life. I am grateful and overwhelmed an in awe of His grace towards me each and every time. Since Finn has come into my life, I make a conscious effort each day not to take things for granted and to share love with those around me. There are people with much bigger problems than I have and I pray for them everyday. I thank Heavenly Father for reminding me of this constantly.

This week has been remarkable but today was an amazing day! The week began with a wonderful therapist(Debbie)hooking me up with a teacher that specializes in Finn's eye disorder. She is the expert for San Diego and she'll be coming to my home in two weeks. She will teach me how to work with her and increase the vision that Finn already has. I am so excited to meet with her that I'll probably forget all of the questions I have for her! What a blessing. I don't know how I would have found that contact on my own. So, a little help from heaven and the window raises... I also got my advertising 4X6 postcards for Careful Scanning in the mail Wednesday in time for the Scrapbook Expo this weekend. Jeffery Whitehead from Fridgeworks did an AMAZING job on them and they look wonderful! And then to top it all off, Finn's baby book came from Heritage Makers(a week early) and it's better than I can imagine! SO cute and of course, it's in black & hot pink! It was a great week!

For the past few weeks I have been racking my brain trying to think of a way to give back to Rady Children's Hospital and thank them for all that they have done for us. You have heard me ramble on before about the nurses, staff & doctors and how incredible they all are. They are truly angels on the earth! Well, with money being tight, monetary donations were not going to be part of my plan. I joined Volunteer San Diego in hopes that they would have some project etc. and I did find one but it didn't seem like the one I needed to pursue for some reason. And then, a blessing in disguise - today - my friends car broke down. Why is that a blessing?

"M" was giving my daughter a ride to school when her car broke down on the freeway right before the exit to Rady Children's Hospital. For some reason, I was ready for work an hour early today(which hasn't happened in 20 years)and when she called to report that our kids were stranded on the side of the freeway, I was ready to jump in the car and take them to the school and/or towing company. It was even early enough that I would almost be to work on time. I got in the car and turned my radio on to FM 94.1 like I always do. For those of you who don't live in the area - the "Jeff and Jer Showgram" is iconic and a "don't miss" in the mornings for San Diego commuters. Jeff, Jer and everyone involved with the show are like family to us. They make us laugh, tip us off to great deals and make fun of everyone who needs to made fun of. We love them - I love them!

To my surprise, they were broadcasting from Rady Children's Hospital and talking about the NICU that Finn & I lived in for eight days. I immediately called the show, hoping to talk to Tommy, to see if there was anything I could do to help them. I figured I would just tell them about Finn and leave a message etc. But no one picked up. I was bummed. I grabbed the kids and got them safely to school and then was headed to work. But- believing that everything happens for a reason(I was right there and I am NEVER there unless I have an appointment)I decided to just drive by and at least drop my $3 dollars for lunch in the bucket. I pulled in, dropped in my 3 lousy bucks and saw Delana from the show. I asked one of the ladies at the bucket if I could speak to her and Delana came over. I meant to just thank her for helping out Children's with the broadcast. But you know that my mouth just goes sometimes and before long I was crying, thanking and showing her Finn's baby book. I was a mess and just grateful that I could talk to her face to face & tell her show thank you.

Well, she must have had pity on me and invited me to be on the air and share Finn's story. I parked my car and walked back over, the whole time thinking, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Is this how I am going to be able to give back. All I was thinking is how can I get people to open their wallets and give to this incredible place. I had no idea what to say and the nerves set in but at the same time, I felt relaxed. Delana couldn't have been more genuine and she is even nicer than she is on the air(if that's possible). I don't remember exactly what I said in the interview but the gist of it was that people don't know how great Rady's is until the crisis hits and then they'll wish they had given money to them all along. Paul & I have always said that if we were ever millionaires, that Rady Childrens Hospital would be THE charity we spoiled. On a daily basis, they give and take care our most precious children. It takes special people to do that I am SO glad that they are there. So if you haven't donated to Rady Children's Hospital yet this year - I encourage you to do it. No matter how small the donation. If everyone gave just three lousy bucks - what a difference it could make! Here is the link to the Jef & Jer showgram if you want to donate online through May 10th.

Once again - I stand in awe and my heart is full of gratitude. An amazing experience, one I won't forget and it was fun too! (Do you know how loud you sound when you have those headphones on?)God bless you all and thanks for your prayers for Finn's eyes!!

Doing well on the diet...

2009-04-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been about 3 weeks since Finn started on the Ketogenic diet. We haven't noticed any weight gain or loss yet so that's good. In another week she will be fully on the diet and then we will start to keep track of the seizure activity etc. She seems more alert and smiles a lot more(to me anyway)and drinks up the formula with no problem. The insurance did finally kick in and they are covering the expense of the formula- we thank the Man upstairs for that blessing!

Finn is also teething right now so there have been a few screaming days and nights over the past few weeks that have not been pleasant for any of us. It amazes me why dentists haven't come up with a teething cure for babies by now. Don't they know frantic moms would pay pretty much anything to keep their child out of pain? They'd make a fortune!!!

We took Finn to the Flower Fields in Carlsbad for the first time. It's such a nice way to welcome spring time and admire the beauty around us. If you haven't been there - it's just Ranunculus flowers as far as you can see. Paul is bored with the whole event each year. He thinks I only go there to take photos of the girls and it's a waste of time. If they added football or bumper cars he'd be all over it. We also go for the YUMMIEST strawberries in the world. They are as big as your fist and sweeter than God intended them to be(I think they are genetically altered, they are just to good to be true! So if we end up growing extra body parts, that's why!!).

We have a lot to be thankful for this spring. The kindness of others still touches our lives each day. With Paul still without work, our photo scanning business has been doing well with keeping him busy. It has been more rewarding than I ever thought it could have been - helping people save their photos is such a blessing. There are so many stories tied in with people's photos. It's been fun listening to those memories and laughing with their stories. It brings peace of mind knowing that we are helping to protect those things from being lost due to fires or other disasters that we don't expect.

Thank you for all of your concern with our family. We are thankful you are there watching out for us. We are also thankful that the Lord is watching out for YOU!!

Happy Easter...

2009-04-12T15:23:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

The new diet . . .

2009-04-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hello all. It's been a few weeks and I have got to get caught up! We have been starting a new business and with that & Finn's new diet - the seconds have turned into weeks that have just slipped by! (carefulscanning.com)We had a good fast for Finnie's eyes and now we wait. Thanks to all of you who fasted and offered up prayers on her behalf. It was such a peaceful day.

Well - I'm not good at waiting so we started her new diet to move things along. She is on a Ketogenic diet - like an Atkins diet for babies. We weigh and measure everything that goes into her bottles and solid feedings as well. There is a special formula that tastes a lot like coffee creamer so how could that be bad. She gulps it all down and cries for more so there ya go! The formula went from $50.00 a can to $188.00 a can because we could only get it from one pharmacy in the area. Obviously - being unemployed that wasn't going to fly. Our neurologist was on vacation and then his nurse was out of the office the last two days of the week - it was one bad sign after another!

We were almost out of food for Finn by the weekend and we were in a panic! We had been going back and forth all week with the insurance companies to cover it, getting the doctor's medical necessity letters to the right people etc. and nothing was working. I was in tears and ready to have a major freak out! Oh, did I mention that the nutritionist was on vacation as well so we couldn't even call her for a backup can of formula. It was exhausting! So we finally went directly to the plant who makes it in Maryland and they sold us a case (with a the doctor's consent fax)for $169.00. Much better than the $188.00 per can that the rip off pharmacy wanted to charge us! The gal that helped us out was named Mattie and her "yes" after all of the no's we had heard all week made all the difference. She was truly an angel and over nighted the food and saved the day! What a blessing... We now hope that the insurance picks it all up, if not, we look for another way to make a blessing happen...

Two weeks ago I took Finn to the beach after work. The weather was amazing and I just had to get away for the afternoon. I was tired and overwhelmed at all of the changes in our lives and needed a re-group hour with the ocean breeze. The ocean has always been my happy place. I don't know if it's scientific or not but I seem to work out a lot of odds and ends by the sea.

We strolled around the Cove in La Jolla, smelled the air, enjoyed the sun but my mind was racing from one thought to the next. The calming effect just wasn't happening and the worry seemed to overwhelm my brain. I guess worry was really weighing my soul down, as I should have realized from the lack of sleep I had been experiencing over the past little while. I said a prayer in my heart for peace and Finn and I stopped at a bench overlooking the waves. As I cuddled her and watched the people walking in each direction, I saw an older couple meet up at the garbage can. They each had tattered grocery bags filled with plastic bottles and crushed soda cans. They spoke in Spanish as they decided that each would go off in a different direction and then meet up later. My Spanish is more than poor but for some reason I understood enough to "overhear" their conversation.

As I sat, holding my sweet baby, I watched the older gentleman man as he stopped at every can along the sidewalk. He quietly went through the bin and searched for his only way of making money that day. If he found enough, he and his wife may eat that night. Tears overcame me and I could not stop crying. That peace that I prayed for had already been in my heart. I found myself wanting the peace to come to his heart. My blessings had never been more profound than at that moment. I have a job, a home and a family to be with each night. Life is so much harder for some people. Our trials seem so "specific" to us. We feel that they are bigger than us and sometimes too much. But all we have to do is look around to what others are facing and ours are a drop in the bucket.

I wanted to take them both home with me but knowing that wasn't a real possibility I tried to think of another solution. My tears were coming so hard that I could barely see at this point and I knew I wouldn't even be able to speak to the man at this point. The Lord blessed me with the answer and I was able to do what I could. I hope peace comes for him and that his life gets a little easier. It's through small and simple things that great things come to pass. I hope to always remember that - and I hope you do too. Serving the Lord's children is not only our obligation as followers of Christ but one of our greatest opportunities to grow and bless others.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2009-03-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox postcard

Thank you all for fasting with us on Sunday. It was a peaceful day, all dressed in green!

Fasting & Prayer needed for Finnie's eyes. . .

2009-03-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

This is an email that I sent out recently and I thought I should include it here because a lot of you read Finnie's Blog more than your own email accounts! We are asking for more of your faith and prayers on Finnie's behalf. You can offer up as many prayers as you wish - we appreciate them all! Here is a link to explain CVI - what could be going on with her eyes. http://ohiolionseyeresearch.com/cortical_visual_impairment.htm

Dear Everybody-
We are enlisting our prayer & faith warriors again! This coming Sunday - March 15th, we will be doing a special fast for Finnies eyes that they make a full recovery. We are asking anyone who is able, to help us with this fast. (Lots of prayers beginning now couldn't hurt either!) Please mark your calenders if you can help us. United prayers have worked for us in the past so why try another method??
As you know, she has a condition called CVI (Cortical Vision Impairment) and she sees in a random fashion. By not seeing well, she has no motivation to play with & explore toys, crawl towards things or even eat and play with foods. Her vision is holding up her other progress and we need it taken care of. There is no medical treatment for this condition so we need the Lord's healing power and your faith! It can be done - as we have seen before. And if it be His will that her eyes heal- they will. We believe that they will. I will also update this to the blog so you can pass it along to other family & friends. We really appreciate all of your prayers so far- they have given us a beautiful little angel!!

The party's just beginning!!

2009-03-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hello all -

While the cupcakes may be digesting in 200 different stomachs, the real party of childhood still lies ahead! Thank you to everyone who came and partied with us on Saturday! And for those of you who missed it - we have no more cupcakes but plenty of pictures!! My friends did a WONDERFUL job with the setting up and decorating and Finnie loved it - we all did. THANK YOU!! More updates to come as Finn should be starting her Ketogenic diet soon - that is our next adventure... Enjoy the scrapbook below!! xoxo

Highlights from Finnie's Cupcake Party

2009-03-01T16:56:00.001-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Happy Birthday Finnie!!

2009-02-24T04:03:00.000-08:00

At this time last year - 4:06 am - my water had broken and we were at the birth center getting my first dose of anti-biotic. I knew that a baby would change all our lives - but I HAD NO IDEA just how that would happen...

I haven't slept much tonight. My mind is re-living and re-playing every event from the past year in slow motion. My heart is full of gratitude and love. All of the tears, prayers and heartache were worth it and I would not change a second of it - even if the outcome had been different and Finnley would have left for heaven soon after her arrival. Our lives and our hearts are better for knowing and loving her. Why God chose us to have this incredible experience - I hope to one day know. But I thank Him for it and feel blessed that He loved me enough to give it to me.

All of our trials and heartaches are blessings. I have learned that you gain much more from the experience of pain when you take a positive approach and face it head on. (Not that I ALWAYS take this approach at first, I find myself complaining at times too) But once you get down on your knees and pour your heart out for help and understanding - it comes. The Lord is always there and for that I am forever grateful. How do people make it through life without the understanding that the Lord is our rock and our salvation?

On Sunday, we attended a meeting called Stake Conference. It's a multi- congregational meeting that is held twice a year in my church. I am a Latter-Day Saint for those of you who don't know. (Mormon is our more common name) It was an amazing meeting that I cried through. My mind reflected on the year as I held Finnie in my arms with Angie playing with her little fingers and making faces at her. We sang "How Firm a Foundation," and the words burned into my heart. I think it's my new favorite hymn. One of the Lord's apostles, M. Russell Ballard was at this meeting and I was renewed in my faith that the Lord has restored His church on the earth. He is the Head of it and has given us a prophet and apostles to guide us through these uncertain times we live in. We have a choice to be on the Lord's side or to not - but only one side will win and I choose to be on that side. Brother Ballard and his wife walked past us as he was leaving the building and shook our hands and touched our little Finnie. He was so sweet and the spirit of the Lord was so strong with him. What a blessing to have the comfort of the Lord in our lives - I hope we all cherish it.

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

In every condition, in sickness, in health;
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As thy days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove
My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake. - - Rev. John Rippon, text 1787

It's almost been a YEAR!!

2009-02-16T15:59:00.001-08:00

Wow.. SO much has happened since I last wrote in the blog. I can finally access our pictures from the evil computer - so I have updated the "One Month at a Time" slide show for your viewing pleasure. I cry every time I edit it so I don't even preview my additions anymore. (Please let me know if I have spelling errors in it etc.)

The Lord has truly blessed us throughout the year but especially within the last two months. Paul is still without work and jobs are even more than scarce right now. We have decided it is who you know and a good dose of perfect timing in order to get a job. So we wait, but we have hope. The Lord doesn't let us down - He just times it in His time.

We have moved! Not to that 52 freeway overpass that we were considering but to a wonderful home about three blocks from my sister. Another one of the Lord's angels working His errand - a most wonderful and generous sister in our church, rented us her mother's old house. It saves us about $650.00 a month which allowed us to stay in town and keep Angie in school and Finn with her same doctors. It is the warmest, most cozy house we have ever lived in and less rent than some of our smallest apartments! A true blessing. It has a wonderful yard and a fireplace with a great mantle for my photos. Angie's room has a dutch door and she is thrilled with it! Finnie LOVES to watch and listen to the fire and we are so happy here. Our wonderful friends not only moved us in - BUT unpacked it all and put it away! My gratitude was immeasurable!

Now to add to that blessing - a few days before the move - a friend's husband offered me a part-time job. Stressed me out at first because I couldn't imagine leaving Finnley at home so I said, "no, but thank you." Tom asked me to pray about it. So I prayed that I would take the job if it was the right thing for my family and I felt very peaceful about it. I did that three times with the same result. I then figured I was praying wrong because God wouldn't want me to leave this yummy baby at home right? So I changed my prayer - this time I prayed that I would refuse the job and stay home. THEN I got a sick feeling inside and I knew it wasn't the right decision to not take the job. (But just in case, I prayed the original prayer to double check - peaceful feeling came over me again) (So I'm OCD, you all knew that!!) Paul may be out of work for awhile, who knows? God puts blessing in front of us that may not be what we are expecting but HE knows what we need - I am grateful for the opportunity to help provide for my family. We're a team after all, right?

Finn and Paul are doing great together - although the first day, Finnie looked horrible when I came home from work! This picture just doesn't do justice to what I found!! Her hair was hanging in her face and was just big hair, she had sleepy in her eyes because Paul forgot to wash her face in the bath and she was wearing a plain white onesie and plain brown pants. Are you kidding me? That kid has the CUTEST clothes ever and you dressed her in that? (In his defense - he said brown and white match) Yeah - but Finn's not going to look like a latch key kid just because her dad is in charge. I now try to bathe, dress and clip her hair up before I leave in the morning!! (Just for peace of mind) The job is very flexible and will allow me to go to any of Angie or Finn's appointments. It's about 5 minutes from our house and I love the people I am working with. The job is fun - a lot of busy work and detail stuff that I thrive on. My title is "Accounting Clerk" but I do pretty much whatever they need. A true blessing as we can now eat and pay the electric bill!!

We are getting ready for the "Great Cupcake Party" on the 28th. If you haven't gotten an invite - let me know and I will send one out. They turned out super cute and everyone is invited!! Eat as many cupcakes as you like - it's our way of saying thank you for all of your prayers, help and good thoughts for Finnie and our family over this past year. We truly could not have done it without you! We see you as angels in our lives and hope we can be that for you as well!! THANK YOU!!

One Month at a Time . . .

2009-02-16T15:57:00.001-08:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

A Birthday Preview....

2009-01-13T16:01:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

A Very Merry Christmas!!!

2009-01-05T13:29:00.000-08:00

Belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! (Just a note to my mom - if you click on the pictures, you can see a big version of it) We had one of the loveliest of all holiday seasons. Words just cannot express our gratitude to the Lord for all of His blessings this year. We had our best Christmas ever. Not only did we get to share the holidays with our new little sister and baby but we were blessed with several sets of elves - who did the 12 days of Christmas for our family. Special gifts dropped off each night with a knock at the door or just the dog barking on a few nights! Angie never did catch them - but boy did she try!! Two cans of formula were dropped off one night - how did they know we were at the bottom of our last can?

We don't know exactly who all of these elves were (although we have suspicions) but please know that whomever you are - you are loved and appreciated! With Paul still being unemployed, we prepared Angie for a quiet but wonderful Christmas with all the family. (Even Grandma came in town for a visit!) Turned out that it was "a very eventful, full of surprises and secret gifts all over the place" kind of Christmas! Even I could not have planned a holiday event like this! Some elf, who clearly wanted to remain anonymous - Fed Ex'd a most wonderful present for us(especially Paul). (An XBox 360, complete with games and online services!) Poor Paul got hit with the stomach flu on Christmas Day so he was unable to play with his new toy and it about killed him. (Although the flu almost did kill him - it was a long 24 hours!) There were also some gift cards that will come in handy this next month. All of you made it a wonderful Christmas for all of us and especially for Angie. She was amazed at the love and generosity that was at every turn. It will be in our hearts forever and we can't wait to return the favor someday!

We are now gearing up for Finnie's ONE YEAR OLD BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? It's next month - man has this year flown by!! We are planning on having a "Cupcake open house" - not sure where yet because I don't know where we may be living. Just keep checking the blog and the details will be available. EVERYONE IS INVITED!! There have been so many people that have blessed our lives this year that we want to share this day with the world! I will make plenty of cupcakes in 10 shades of pink so please come and enjoy!! Our main computer is suffering from post traumatic stress of some sort and I am unable to retrieve photos to update the "One month at a time" slide show right now. i was able to find some Christmas pictures so enjoy those until I get the other ones out of "computer virus jail!" Here's to a wonderful New Year!!

Our visit to the North Pole. . .

2008-12-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

I have been so excited to take my girls to see the Jolly Ole Elf that I haven't been able to get to sleep for 3 nights! I feel so blessed that Finn is here this Christmas that I am just a walking tear factory. Miracles are real and they are available to the lowliest of us. My heart is still full of gratitude.

In San Diego, there is but one of Santa's helpers that is worthy of lap sitting. He has a quaint little house, a real white beard and the loveliest British accent to enjoy as he asks the children what's on their list. Did I mention his blue eyes? (I think I may have a crush on Santa!)

We tried to see Santa on Saturday but got there late and the line was down the mall and around the corner. Oh - and then the rain started. Bag that! So this morning (Monday) I made sure we got out of the house (again, in the pouring rain)and got there at 9:30 to be first in line. Well - we were still first in line at 10:00 because no one in their right mind would have their kids out to Santa in the pouring rain but me!!

Paul got Finnie to smile and Angie just is incapable of taking a bad photo so it went well. Merry Christmas to everyone!!

Sneak peak of new photos taken by Brit

2008-12-07T17:55:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving reflections

2008-12-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

Hello all -
I only have about five minutes before a certain baby realizes that she's not being held!! There is video of Finn eating pie in the scrapbook below in case I forgot to tell anyone. Since we were in the hospital for a week before the holiday, it gave me a lot of time to think back on this past year. I am so thankful for everything that has happened. Both the good things and the bad. I happened to catch a bit of Dr. Laura's show yesterday and she was talking about a new book on Motherhood. The point of her discussion was to cherish every bit of the journey. I think I may have finally figured that out.

Even though Paul still has been unable to find work, the Lord has provided. More importantly, he has provided the sense of peace to my heart that everything is ok. Life is on His time scale, not mine. I heard a Seventh Day Adventist preacher this past week say that "the Lord is in charge of my life, so I don't worry about a thing. He always takes care of me and I never worry." I am almost to that point and it really brings a feeling of love and relief.

I am looking forward to the Christmas season with a new found hope and anticipation. We started doing the advent calender with Angie yesterday. Each day she will find a story or scriptural account of the meaning of Christmas. It's a great time to teach charity and love to our children. On day 12 we will start a 12 Days of Service and hopefully be able to give back to others as they have done to us this past year. (To make it a bit more challenging and fun, I have printed everything out with a size 2 font and she has to use a magnifying glass to read everything)

Finn is doing GREAT on her injections. She smiles and laughs like never before. She is even interacting with her surroundings. Her head strength has increased and her balance is improving. I hope that the effects last, she seems so much more relaxed. She got rid of her cold and then got thrush so we are treating that now. It's been a bit lonely for us in the house all the time but it keeps the germ exposure down! Thank you for always thinking of us and keeping us in your prayers. It truly means a lot. Well - my time is up. I can feel the screams coming... I will get the 10 month pictures added as soon as I have a chance... ENJOY and SAVOR your holidays!!!!

My First Pumpkin Pie!!

2008-12-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Unemployeed husbands are a BLESSING!

2008-11-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

You wouldn't want your husband to be without a job - unless you have a baby in the hospital! So it CAN be a blessing in disguise... We had to check Finnie into Children's Hospital on Tuesday. She couldn't keep anything down and was getting dehydrated. We didn't really know how dehydrated until three different expert teams couldn't find a vein for the IV. Finnie literally turned into a pin cushion. It was horrible!! Finally, two anesthesiologists tried. They couldn't even get it in the jugular vein on her neck. They must have prayed at some point and ended up getting one to work at on her wrist. Poor baby - it made her even more miserable than she already was!

We think that her new medicine caused gastritis which wouldn't allow anything in her stomach - thus all the vomiting. We are still working on getting her to keep clear liquids down, then her medicine by mouth (which is now going into the IV) and then we'll work on milk. Once she can do all of these for 24 hours - she can come home!

You hate to stay in the hospital any longer than necessary cause people tend to catch something else and get even sicker! With her immune system suppressed I am a bit over paranoid!! So I appreciate those who want to visit us - but I would even more appreciate you not - hee hee!! Finn could use your thoughts and prayers however. And once we are home - Paul still needs a job!! Chat later... It's my shift!

A new medicinal adventure - -

2008-11-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

Well - I am officially giving shots to my baby. I have been MORE than paranoid about this day and was praying it would never come. But it has and I have had to buck up and get brave! We started Finn on a medication for her seizures called ACTH. ACTH is a steroid hormone. It has to be given by injection twice daily for a week, then goes to once a day, then every other day. ACTH is in addition to her other medications. The hope is that it will knock out her spasms and then we can control her seizures with just one medication in the future. Some children even outgrow seizures altogether after having ACTH.

There are a lot of side effects to the drug(possible high blood pressure, facial weight gain, extreme irritability, lack of sleeping etc.) We really prayed about it and asked that if it was not right to put her on it, that something would prevent us from doing it. The cost of the drug is $28,000.00 a vial - total cost for the treatment could reach about $150,000.00. Our insurance covered it and when Paul was let go from his job, his boss offered to keep us covered with insurance until the end of December. So we took that as our answer.

The home care nurses came out three times to make sure I was doing the injections correctly. Even while I was shaking, I seemed to function. There is so much to remember while doing it - I hope I can keep it up and not hurt my little yummy Finn Finn. She hardly cries when she gets the shot. But she doesn't like being held down and that's when she cries. She has been more cranky and that's supposed to get worse - oh hooray!! Her face is supposed to swell up like Jerry Lewis but they say the crankiness will be more bothersome to us. Since it's a steroid, it keeps her hyped up so it's hard for her to sleep. Which means she will get more overtired each day and then none of us will be getting sleep. (Except for Angie because she can sleep through hurricanes, earthquakes and pretty much anything!) Her appetite is already starting to increase -and we all know she didn't need to put on any weight!

We took the Christmas card pictures last week(not that I ever get them mailed). My friend Cindy found Thanksgiving jammies and so we took pictures in those with her cute turkey clip made by my friend Jolene! I know I'll take more pictures through the season but if Finnie is as miserable as they say she'll be - we might as well have a few good pictures to remember the season!!

I am just grateful for medicine that is available and covered by insurance. It is a blessing that Paul is home right now to help with Finn and Angie. (He may not see it as that, but I do!) The job will come when it is supposed to but right now - we'll concentrate on our medicinal journey! Thanksgiving will be very different for us this year. The lessons we have learned are overwhelming and we are so thankful for so many things.

We are also staying up for all the election results tonight. All we know so far is that we have a new president! Wow - what times we live in. God bless you all.

The best Halloween EVER - -

2008-11-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

For me, Halloween would not usually conjure up warm fuzzies like Christmas. In the past it's been a holiday more of excitement, glitter, fake eyelashes and a lot of red lipstick. (I LOVE to dress up and be as crazy as I seem to be the rest of the year) But there's an exception to every rule. I can't remember a better Halloween. It had all of those cozy feelings of Christmas with all the surroundings of Autumn.

Angie was so excited to be dressed as her Grandmothers dressed in High School. She kept saying, "I feel like I'm really back in the past." She loved her outfit and was in the best mood. Finnley was happy and smiling. She took a nap before we started the evenings festivities and it kept her just plain adorable!

I found myself with a heart full of gratitude to the Lord and His grace for another holiday with my girls. When Finn was dying, I mourned for all of the upcoming holidays and events that she wouldn't be a part of. I was so sad to think that she would miss the holidays with us. But she's here. Thank the Lord - she's here. Angie gets to share all of these moments with a little sister who just loves her to death. They are so cute together and I can't help but think they have known each other since eternity began. We are so blessed...

Happy Halloween!!

2008-11-01T08:59:00.001-07:00

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The silver lining....

2008-10-20T20:48:00.001-07:00

They say behind every cloud is a silver lining. I like to imagine that lining is not only silver but full of chunky glitter and sparkle. Something that catches all the light and makes you look forward to whatever is behind that cloud. There is always something good on the other side of life's challenges. It may take awhile for us to discover it sometimes - but it is always there. What we learn from it will help us to grow and become stronger. If we don't learn from it - my experience has been that it will be taught to us over and over until we that lesson in.

A bit of a cloud presented itself this month to our family. I say a 'bit of a cloud' because nothing compares to the cloud(or trial) of almost losing a child. Paul was given a lay off notice at his job and has until the end of the month. One blessing is that his boss is going to carry our insurance until the first of the year. A wonderful blessing because Finn's next treatment will be around $100,000.00 and without insurance or a dead rich relative - treatment just wouldn't happen.

Job prospects are grim right now as we all know but we are hopeful for the change. If there is one thing we have learned this year - God knows us. He knows our family and hears our prayers. I always knew that - but know I KNOW that. I hope all of you know that. We are His children and are individually known to Him. He listens and answers in the way it will serve us the best. We may have a job tomorrow or it may be six months from now. Heck - we may be living with you! But we know that we will be where the Lord wants us and needs us. Not moving is of course our first choice but that glittery lining may be in Texas, Ohio or Bora Bora! I am personally hoping it's in Hawaii but only time will tell. (Can't you just picture that glittery rainbow over Kauai??)

Prayer strengthens us when we are scared and gives us hope when we are feeling alone. We are at peace with the job situation, calm even. So maybe that proves that we have learned a lot these past two years. It usually gets really dark and scary right before everything falls into place and we know where we are headed. It's not dark at all - maybe that means we have a long time yet... Or, that our perspective has changed and our faith has increased in His plan for us. How do people get a long in this world without the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Finnie's seizures have not gone away so we are on to the next phase of treatment. It should start within the next few weeks. I will have to inject her with the medication and that makes me a little nervous to be the one hurting her everyday but it's a necessary evil. She is doing well otherwise and smiling more and more. She LOVES Angie and they are so cute together. Finn just lights up when Angie comes into the room - it's so sweet.

Angie is still doing water polo and even plays more in the games now. I don't know what kind of leg strength it must take to tread water for so long! So glad it's her and not me!! She keeps talking about moving to England to master the English accent. (It's her favorite accent) I told her that her dad will go with her - I would rather be some place tropical hearing cabana boy accents... Angie turns 12 in a few weeks so we just got her ears pierced. Her brother and sisters were there to hold her hand it it went rather smoothly. (Took her a half hour to decide to do it but then went off without a hitch!)

So life is going well here at the ranch. A little uncertain but we have wonderful friends that are passing Paul's resume out and sending us job prospects everyday. My silver lining also has a strong band of fuchsia glitter around it and that allows it to catch more light than the common silver lining. It's all in the perspective and what outlook you choose to put out to the universe!! Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and for loving us - faults and all!!

Reflections on lifes Trials

2008-09-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a long end of summer for our family. With Finnie's seizures and my mini- stroke, we were advised by doctors to stay home and pretty much do nothing. Holding a baby in a recliner all day leaves quite a bit of time for reflection.

It was so hard to hold Finn as she struggled to catch her breath while her body jumped and shifted from side to side. Her infantile spasms got to the point that they would flip her body over and roll her across the bed. I felt so helpless and there was nothing that I could do. It was nearly impossible to console her and sometimes she would cry for hours at a time. All I wanted to do was make it better or let her know that we were doing all we could to figure out her medication so that the seizures would eventually stop. But how does one communicate that to a 7 month old? I found myself asking the Lord why I couldn't have the seizures instead. Or what I could do for Him to spare her this pain and discomfort. A lot of tears and a lot of prayers, I'm sure the Lord was weary of my asking.

My Neurologist had ordered test after test to figure out why I am at risk for a stroke and the appointments were difficult with a baby who was so sick. I knew that the seizures would be scary for someone babysitting my little Finnie because they didn't know if they were the same or worse or if they should call the doctor. Thank heavens for a sister who lives so close and could come with us to the hospital. Thank heavens for friends who stepped up and held her while she cried and arched in their arms. Their faces showed nothing of worry but that of love and compassion. Their calm demeanor gave me the confidence to leave her, knowing that she would be well taken care of. Thank you...

Now with only one test left for me- that dreaded MRI, my faith is in the doctors to find the cause of the TIA and help to prevent a stroke in my future. At 36, one doesn't think they would be talking about a stroke, unless it was for their aged parent. But reality is- I'm pretty stressed out and I finally have to admit that I may be reaching my emotional limits from time to time. I need to rely more on the Lord because He is the only one that is constantly with me. He is with Finn also and as this last week has passed, I have heard her little coos and squeaks come back. Her neck muscles have started working better and the seizures have finally become undetectable. She is smiling and trying to giggle again. The medication is working!

The Lord is always with us. I feel Him there. He gives me strength even when I feel alone and scared. Looking back over these past few weeks, I am grateful for the tears and opportunity to pray to Him. I am thankful for my blessings, especially that of my children and family. Finnley teaches us all daily and I can't even remember what our family was like without her. It was lacking - I sensed that but didn't know how to change it..

What a blessing she is and such a wonderful gift. I recognize my trials as blessings even though they are not pleasant. We learn who we are through the "refiners fire". We also learn how to relate to people who are MUCH worse off than we are and look for ways to help them. There is change on the horizon for us and more trials daily but there is also a strength we can tap into that a lot of people are missing. I am grateful for this tine of reflection. Now let's get our health on track and move on!

Autumn Memories

2008-09-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

2008-09-25T09:22:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Finnie & her Monkey

2008-09-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

This Monkey doll, especially made for Finnie by Joyce at Sunshine Friends - is her absolute favorite toy. Joyce added a bell in the belly and a squeaker in the ear. It will always get a smile and coo out of her! A link to her website is under iamsunshine.etsy.com

Finnie's latest pics . . .

2008-09-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

Hello all -

Finn and I made a brief pilgrimage to Utah last month. Angie & Paul stayed home and had a well deserved vacation away me and my chore list. I'm sure they just watched movies the whole time and drank milkshakes! Finnley was able to see two of Paul's sisters and Paul's mother. Grandma Messer hadn't seen Finn yet and it was long overdue! She got some cuddles in and of course we got photos! I think they look a lot alike. We also went to my sister Joanna's cabin a few times and Finnley loved it. She was most content in the mountains.

Finn developed some infantile muscle spasms while we were in Utah. Her whole body rolls to one side and she almost curls up. They startle her and she tends to cry a lot after they happen. I guess they stressed me out so much that I had a TIA (mini stroke) and ended up at the ER for some MRI's and other tests. I will see the neurologist this next week so no worries. I haven't been driving and have been trying to relax. (And we all know how well I can do that - )

We have upped Finnley's medication and will continue to so over the next month to get the spasms under control. This week she has cried about 5-7 hours a day. I don't think she likes the way the medicine makes her feel and the seizures still freak her out. I am deaf in my left ear but I think the right one still works ok. All I can do is hold her and love her until we get this problem solved. There is really nothing that comforts her right now. This is just a hiccup - so with the help of your prayers, it will be done soon.

This last picture was on Labor Day. Angie made a festive cake and Finn looked like she may want to eat it! Angie joined the water polo team a few weeks ago and it's been a blast! Finn and I hang out and watch her swim and we get to be outside the house for a bit! Angie gets better each week and she loves it. She swims laps with her dad to condition and gets to eat Ice Cream with every meal. Yes - I said every meal. (If you saw how hard she works out - she needs all the extra fat and calories she can get!)

Finn turns 7 months this week so come back to see the updated "One month at a Time" slide show. I will get to it as soon as I am not holding this yummy baby all the time! Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes. Finnley continues to teach us and bless us each day! Truly a miracle...

6 Months Old!!

2008-08-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

What a happy day - Sunday, Finnie turned 6 months old. Our hearts are full of gratitude to Heavenly Father and our lives are filled with love. Finnley is doing well and we couldn't be more pleased. Since we started using the oils 2 weeks ago, her smiles have been more frequent and they are the cutest things EVER! Her arms are really loose and her chatting is louder and more pronounced. She even went 4 days in a row without a single seizure. I pray that this success continues and I keep smearing her every few hours. Our friend Mike says the Frankincense smells like camel dung - great description huh? Well, maybe she smells like camel dung occasionally but if it works - I don't care. At least she's dressed cute while she smells like camel dung!

The "One Month at a Time" slide show is updated and I'll add a few more this month. The other treatment option that I mentioned in the last post is still experimental according to our neurologist. He did recommend a study that is recruiting right now, so we are looking into that. Not that we'll try anything - but we'll check it out and pray about it before we dismiss it. We just have to give Finn every chance possible.

We went to the beach for a little picnic on Saturday. It's the first time Finn touched the sand with her feet and she loved it. She just kept digging them into the sand. Angie, of course, found her book more interesting than the waves and buried her head between the pages! It's all I can do to keep her in books - forget about the clothes! She is looking forward to school starting in a few weeks but I'm not. We have had a really good summer with Finn and Angie will be missed during the day. Well, that's all for now! Our thanks to all of you - we love you!

"Hey mom - I gotta tooth in here!"

2008-08-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

Finnley cut her first tooth on Sunday afternoon. Surprisingly she hasn't been that fussy with whole teething thing. (It will get worse right?) We spent two days trying to get a picture of it and this is as good as we got! When it gets higher the pictures will be better. She has another one on the way so there will be more "toothage" to see next time.
We are still using the oils(along with her medication) and she is smiling a lot more and even giggled twice this past week. Her arms are really loosening up and she just seems happier. Her seizures (knock on wood), have been non-existent the past two days and I am hoping that continues. I found out about a new possibility for treatment tonight while at a church activity, so I am online right now investigating. I'll let you know more when I know more! Thank the Lord for good friends who bring me articles, forward websites & doctors names and are looking out for our baby. We couldn't do this without you! Finn turns 6 months old this month - can you believe it?? Look for the updated slide show next week sometime! We love you all and thanks again for all you do...
Something that has really changed some life perspectives for me - an Oprah show believe it or not. She had Louise Hay on recently. Louise said - "Change your thinking and you change your life." I have been struggling with depression since Finn came. Even with all of the good and the miracles. I have a new journey to pursue. I don't know what it is but I feel I am on that road...

A bit of down time . . .

2008-08-05T23:34:00.000-07:00

Finnie gets a little break from her daily therapy to kick back and relax.

Such a sweet time....

2008-07-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe it has been over five months since this angel came into our home. It's been the longest and yet the fastest five months I've ever lived through! I just updated the "One Month at a Time" slide show and will do so every month so you can keep up on her size and expressions! Paul thinks it's funny I have a "play" button on my belly...

Finnley's physical therapy and infant teaching are going great! She makes progress every week and works hard at coordinating her body each day. Amy is helping us work on rolling over and getting all of her bits to move in harmony. You have no idea what it takes to do such a simple movement. I get tired just watching her try! Wendy is helping us work on neck movement and grasping for objects. Finn seems to love Wendy's voice and follows books much better when Wendy reads them to her. We are so grateful for these two teachers - we couldn't do this without them!

Angie & I are enjoying summer vacation. She reads most of the time - can't get her away from those books!! (Not that I am complaining!) We are working on crafts for Christmas and some new clothes for school. We enjoyed some perfectly ripened peaches and strawberries the other day from a farmer's fruit stand on the side of the road. I mention that because it falls in the category of "stopping to smell the roses" once in awhile. We get so caught up in the daily routine and problems in our lives, we forget that God has given us so much. That juicy peach reminded me of that. We have so much to be grateful for and we should always focus on that instead of all the yucky stuff in our lives. Remember to thank the Lord daily for His gifts.

The doctor wants to increase Finnley's current medication and add another one to stop the Myclonic seizures. I am trying another method first. I started her on essential oils and even though it has only been a few days, her smile is coming more frequently and her language is louder. Finn still enjoys her nightly massage and now we have added lavender oil to calm us BOTH down from a long day! Her seizures were less today so I am praying that continues. She is a different baby without all the medication!

The downer part of our summer is that our Mexico trip had to be cancelled. The doctor wouldn't let Finn travel out of the country because of her seizures and the possible lack of good medical care. We tried to rearrange it so that Paul could go down for at least a week but the tickets had doubled in price since we purchased 6 months ago and it would have cost way to much to make all of the changes. It has really crushed all of us - especially my wonderful older brother who planned every detail of the trip! Hopefully next year we can re-plan and take that trip. Thank you Jon for all that you did - I hope I can make this up to you someday!

We appreciate your continued prayers and support on Finnley's behalf. A miracle that we all get to share in is rare. Not a day goes by that I don't feel that in my heart.
We love you!!

Still need your prayers....

2008-07-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hello to all of you! Finnley is doing well despite a few recent setbacks. It has taken me a few weeks to come to terms with them and to be okay with talking to people about them. So I apologize if you are reading about them before I talk to you personally about them. I also hesitate to call them setbacks because Finnley seems to overcome everything negative that is said about her condition - she doesn't like being told she can't do something!
While her head is growing and her soft spots are still there, it is in the 3rd percentile and typically should be growing at a faster rate. The doctors have not given me any explanation for this or for what could happen if it doesn't grow at a faster pace. It's the "just wait and see" answer we seem to get each time and it's driving me CRAZY. I honestly think that she is such a mystery to them, they just don't know and they don't want to give me false hope.
About a month ago, Finnie's arm began to jerk a bit here and there when she was waking up. They got a bit more regular so I took her into the neurologist. He said they are Myclonic seizures and that they prescribe anti-convulsants for them to make them stop. These are the least intrusive kind of seizures and he said if you have to have seizures, these are the kind that you want. (I guess he thought that would be good news to me...)The medicine she is on has slowed them down but hey are not fully gone. The seizures don't hurt and don't even seem to bug her but we need to stop them. I am looking for alternative methods to getting rid of them as opposed to high powered drugs that could slow her learning and physical movements down.
We also took her back to the eye doctor for her lazy eye which we are patching for 1 hour a day for the next three months. The eye patches are made for little girls and feature pink flowers, musical notes and even pink camouflage! She is not a big fan of her new patches but tolerates the hour each day. The eye doctor also diagnosed her with possible cortical visual impairment. It's a condition that her brain isn't registering what her eyes are seeing. She said it looks like she is seeing well some of the time and then other times - probably not much at all. The doctor did say that she can grow out of it and that her eyes are structurally healthy and that there are no eye issues. It's just the communication from brain to eye that needs to improve or she will have poor vision. There is nothing medically that can be done for this so we need to go back to the "prayer works" method!
On a happier note - Finn is doing wonderfully in physical therapy each week! Our therapist comes to the house and sees steady improvement week after week. Finnley is getting more neck and head control and sitting up really well. She is grasping for toys and still loves her musical ones. We also have an infant educator that comes to our home on Wednesdays. She taught me how to do infant massage with Finn and we practice every night. Finnley is getting more used to it and looks like she enjoys herself. (Paul is very put off that HE isn't getting a backrub every night as well!) Sorry - I can only take care of one baby at a time... hee hee
We are so appreciative of your continued prayers and support. This little girl has taught us how to truly love and we are thankful everyday for her being in our home. We love you all and will keep the updates coming!

Happy 4th of July

2008-07-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone -
We spent the morning of the 4th at the Del Mar fair. It was a beautiful day and Finnie did great! Angie brought some friends and they did it all! We even left the fair WITHOUT eating one deep fried anything!! (I was tempted to try the deep fried Oreos but the line was just too long!) Looking back - it was probably a blessing in disguise!! We were able to see the fireworks from our backyard so we didn't have to fight any crowds. Finnley liked the lights in the sky and even our new dog didn't seem bothered by them.
Here are some pictures of Angie & Finn in their 4th of July outfits. We love you and will give you another update soon!

The Story of Our Little Finnley Kate

2008-06-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

The Lord's hand is in everything. You may not see it, understand it or even acknowledge it but it is always there. Our trials will always turn to triumphs if we learn the lesson we are being taught and embrace it- even when it hurts so bad you feel that you can't possibly bear the hurt in your heart anymore. But Christ bore all things for us on the cross and He knows our pain first hand. With Him, we can get through anything. With Him, we cannot fail if we have faith. He is our Savior and our friend - He is our brother.

After years of trying to have a baby and experiencing the loss of six pregnancies, we had given up on having a family. A battery of tests and even genetic counseling didn't show why my pregnancies only lasted a few weeks.

Our last miscarriage took place on December 24th, 2001 - we had already sent out little countdown clocks to our families to open on Christmas morning. Now Paul was stuck with the phone call - yet again - that we had lost the baby. I went into a depression that seemed hopeless and never ending. I resolved that there would be no children in our future and I was setting my sites on more tangible things that wouldn't hurt my heart so much. The Christmas tree remained up, the presents under it still wrapped and waiting - a holiday not celebrated. These items became a symbol of, "why us?" What did we do to deserve such loss and so much pain? All we wanted was a child to love. How could God be so cruel as to allow such a deep desire to go unmet?

And then - the first miracle came into our lives. In March of 2002, we received a call from our Bishop that changed everything. "We have been working with a mother who is in crisis and the county has taken away her kids. There's a little five year old girl at the Polinsky Center that we feel needs to be in your home. Our Bishopric has prayed over it and we all feel that she belongs with the Messers." Paul immediately said yes and the Bishop asked that he discuss it with me first and call him back. He said, "Paul, you still have your Christmas tree up and it's March. I think Care needs to feel okay about this before you say yes to bringing this little girl home." Well we did discuss it - in about 2 minutes and the feeling was overwhelming that this little girl was to be our first child. Angie was in our home the next evening with her shy little smile, ferocious appetite and long blond hair. It was a long road but three years later, Angie was finally adopted and we officially became a family.

We moved and got a dog. Isn't that what families do? We always wanted more children but the timing was off on the adoption prospects and private adoptions were so expensive. We looked into Mexican adoptions with a neighbor helping us but that didn't feel right either. We knew the feeling we had when Angie was presented to us and we hadn't felt that with any avenue we had explored over the past 5 years. We almost waited for God to bring the next child into our lives. I pictured it in my mind like the Queen waiting in the Nile for Moses to float to her in a basket. I checked my porch weekly but the river hadn't risen enough to carry me a baby. So then - we got another dog. Angie was now ten years old and we had been married almost 15 years. Our spring chicken days were nearing the end - if they hadn't already ended!!

My girlfriends and I went to breakfast one morning in March of 2007. As we were sitting there, one mentioned she had a cousin with red hair that was about to have a baby and she was considering adoption. She didn't know why it hadn't occurred to her sooner but maybe we should look into adopting this baby. (I mention the red hair because my husband is a red head and she knew that I had always wanted a red-headed baby with blue eyes like Paul.) She said that the baby was to be born in a few weeks and what would it be like to bring home a new baby next month? My heart jumped into my throat and the feelings overwhelmed me. I began to cry and couldn't get home fast enough to call Paul. We didn't want to get our hopes up but then why did these feelings come so strong when a baby was mentioned? In April, the young girl ended up keeping her baby. While disappointing, the feelings didn't leave. I mentioned to my sister that something was about to change everything. I had heard people reference the "winds of change," and Paul and I could both feel them whipping up the dust in the stable and constant life we had created for our family. Paul and I held our breath and waited.

Somehow- we became pregnant in May and the little baby held on. Finnley Kate was on her way.

Paul and I were both terrified to find out we were pregnant. Excited but terrified. What if we lost this one too? Our biggest fear was for Angie. Paul and I knew how to grieve for the loss of a baby - but she hadn't ever gone through that. We didn't want her to. While we should have been over the moon with excitement - we were filled with anxious fears. We told NOBODY.

I went to the perinatoligist specialist as soon as I confirmed the pregnancy. I knew I would be high risk because of the other miscarriages but I needed her to tell me that she could save this baby. The first ultrasound was done that same day and the little heartbeat brought me to tears. This was really happening. My doctor began to run tests to see if she could isolate the cause of the past pregnancy losses. I continued to hold my breath. I pleaded with the Lord daily to let this baby be alright. I talked to my belly, hoping he or she would hear and know how much we wanted he or she to be in our family. I think I even walked carefully, afraid that I would somehow jar the baby lose or something. I was a nervous wreck and poor Paul had to hear about it everyday.

A few weeks later, I returned to the doctor. The new ultrasound still showed a strong heartbeat the baby was on target for growth. I cried again. The doctor then told me that she had most likely found the cause of the miscarriages. It was a folic acid deficiency and she put me a "super dose" to help preserve the pregnancy. She said that we were pretty much out the woods already and asked what I had been eating in order to keep the folic acid levels so high without knowing that would keep the pregnancy. (Remember how I said the Lord has His hand in all things - you may not see it or understand it - but it is always there?)

In August of 2006, I came down with a strange rash that covered my face, head and chest. It was a red and pimple like rash and nothing got rid of it. I saw doctor after doctor - even the dermatologists couldn't get rid of it or find the cause. It was miserable! I thought I had tried everything until one day - I went to get my eyebrows waxed.

It was a new girl, in a part of town far from my house but she was a daughter of a friend and so I wanted to support her in her new job. When she came in, she looked at my face and said, "Do you have a wheat allergy?" It caught me off guard and I said, "Not that I know of." She went on to explain that the rash looked like my body wasn't processing something correctly and she recommended that I go off wheat, gluten and dairy for a month and see if the rash would go away. "Well - what is there to eat if I go off all of that?", I said. And she told me to drink "green smoothies" that were made from all different kinds of colored vegetables with a little fruit for a sweet flavor. She said I wouldn't even miss the other foods and it would cleanse my body from whatever it was reacting to. OK - now you are saying - why would anyone listen to a gal giving out medical advice who was trained in shaping eyebrows and giving facials? I can't explain it other than I had a confirmation inside that I should follow her advice. I did, and within 2 days the itching stopped and within a week the rash was all but gone. I ate this way for almost two months (became pregnant sometime during this phase) and only stopped because the sight of vegetables was making me nauseous and I just couldn't gag down those shakes anymore(that nauseousness was the morning sickness but I didn't know it yet). I was later tested for the allergies she mentioned by my doctor and found I was not allergic to any of those things. However, the shakes gave me the folic acid I needed to keep that baby in place. So, I thank God for the rash because it put in place the chain of events that led to my little Finnley. Everything happens for a reason...

I saw the doctor every few weeks and every ultrasound was better than the last. Finally at five months, she told me that I really was out of the danger stage and I could tell people I was pregnant. We custom ordered a t-shirt for Angie that said, "I'm finally going to be a big sister! Coming in Feb. of 2008. I'm just as shocked as you!" When we showed it to Angie, she looked at it and then looked again. She said, "Are we adopting a kid?" It stunned her when I said I was pregnant and I am pretty sure scared the heck out of her but she hugged me and we both cried. We then took a picture of her in the shirt and Angie emailed it to everyone we knew to tell them the good news. It was fun to let her share the news and the support started to come in by phone and email.

This baby was so loved even before she arrived. Our families had waited just as long as we had and gone through our losses each and every time. We all held our breath and prayed that this baby would be staying with us.

I was determined to let the sex of the baby to be a surprise but at the 18 week appointment - I changed my mind! I am just too much of a planner and worrier not to have the right clothes etc. for this little baby. It was a girl!! The name picking can finally take place. We poured over the baby name books. I checked every Internet site in the world but nothing stuck. The only thing I knew for sure is that I wanted her named after quite possibly, the sweetest woman I have every met. Her name is Frieda and she is attends my church. Frieda is Polynesian and has a heart larger and more generous than anyone I know. She is the most genuine soul I have ever come across and someone truly to live up too. Oh - and did I mention that she can cook? (But we can talk about that later!!) So we needed a name that began with "F". And one day, I woke up with the name Finnley. It was as spelled out in my mind as it would be on paper. It was vivid in my heart as well and I knew it was the right name. I quickly looked it up to make sure the meaning wasn't something weird like, "One who stares," or "An Irish Goddess who sacrificed animals." Instead I found the meaning and origin to state, Finnley - a "Fair-haired hero." Of Irish/Scottish origin." A name that comes from my Irish/Scottish heritage on my mother's side and would come to describe my little girl to all who know of her. Frieda is also a hero of sorts to many people and that's how Finnley became Finnley Kate.

My friend Cindy called it my control issues and OCD tendencies - yeah - she's right and everything was in place, and every detail attended to by the time she arrived. Extra food in the freezer, nursery organized, pictures on the wall, crib bedding sewn, thank you cards from the showers filled out and mailed. We were ready- but not really.

We had trained in Hypno-birthing with a wonderful coach named France who later became my Douala. We decided to give birth at the birth center downtown and I started seeing the midwives. I was also under the care of the perinatologist that oversees the births at the center because of my miscarriage history. Dr. Blake was wonderful and he gave me the best words ever at one of my visits. I was worried about having a 'ginormous' baby and knowing that I was doing this natural, without any painkillers - I expressed my fears. He said,"You'll have no problems. This baby is going to be about seven and half to eight pounds and she is going to just slide right out!" "Slide" being the key word and somehow it made me feel like I could really do this.

I really wanted to give birth in the water. Finnley had been resting on my sciatic nerve for over a month and I could barely walk. I knew that the hot water would give relief and allow me to concentrate better on my breathing. I really wanted Finnley to be born on Valentines Day and did everything in my power to make that happen - even acupuncture. It started the labor and I was SO excited. But Finnley had other plans. Labor pains only lasted 9 hours and then stopped altogether. I then hoped that she would wait until leap year since it was only two weeks away and about 6 days past my original due date. But no - that didn't work for her either.

At 3:45 am on the morning of Feburary 24th, my water broke. I was filled with excitement as we prepared to go to the birthing center. Hypno-birthing had really prepared us and I felt calm and looked forward to this crowning event we had anticipated for so long. I had tested positive for GBS so I needed to get antibiotics by IV every 4 hours until I delivered the baby. I got my first dose and then came back home to enjoy my labor. It wasn't painful and we carried on as usual, finishing up a few last minute cleaning items in between the surges. Finnley was going to be home today! I was so excited. We went back again for another dose and then came back home. I took some Castor oil and that really got things going. By 4:00pm, we left to have the baby at the center.

My friend Cindy met the three of us at the birth center and our Douala arrived a bit later. It was a very comfortable setting and we had the whole top floor to ourselves. I moved into the tub about 7:00 pm. The hot water took all of the pain away and I wasn't about to get out of that tub. I began to push around 8:30 and was monitored by Doppler for the heartbeat regularity. Finnley was doing great but I was getting really tired. The room seemed very crowded all of a sudden with a husband, child, a nurse, two nurse midwives, my Douala, & best friend. While I was in the tub between surges, I had a feeling that something was wrong. It was a fleeting premonition and I assumed that maybe the baby had become infected with the strep (GBS). I said to the crowd in the room, "She's not helping anymore, I am doing all the work." And they assured me that it was my job to push the baby out not Finnley's to find her way out. I guess I just didn't have the words for it at the time to make them understand my feelings. A line from one of the Hypno-birthing affirmation series came back to my mind - "I am prepared to meet whatever turn my birthing takes." I relaxed and knew whatever it was, Finnley and I could get through it. In hindsight, I feel I was being prepared for what was about to take place.

My husband finally pulled me out of the water to get the baby delivered. I was more than resistant and did not want to get out of the tub. However, as soon as I stood up - I knew it was time. Finnley was born 3 minutes later at 10:22pm, Feburary 24th, 2008.

She was placed immediately on my chest and we all started to cry. She was a bit blue but got her pink color in a minute or two and looked great. 10 fingers, 10 toes and a little lamb like cry - which she still has today. I had her on my chest and tummy for over an hour while they took care of me and did whatever it is nurses do after someone has a baby. We were all in a nirvana like state. Cindy was busy snapping pictures and the love in that room was overwhelming. She was 8 lbs. 4oz and had the cutest back fat and plump little lips. She looked just like her father and had thick, black curly hair. Finnley was beautiful. We passed her around and everyone got to hold this precious little angel that we had waited so long for. She was a miracle.

The nurse began to notice her lips going blue here and there and then a little gasp for air and the color would come back to them. I noticed that her eyes would focus for a second and then swim from side to side and up and down. I just assumed that she was really tired from the labor. She jerked a little here and there but I didn't think anything of it either. When we tried to get her to nurse she wouldn't latch on and basically just lay there. Once again - I thought she was just tired but the midwives knew better. Early in the morning - one of them had already called Children's Hospital for a transport but they hadn't told me yet. They tested her blood sugar and it was very low so they gave her some glucose and it barely went up. It was then that they told us to get ready to go to Children's just to have things checked out. We thought it may be the strep infection so we weren't too worried. The midwives were very good at keeping me calm because if I had really known their worries I would have lost it. The transport team arrived and she stopped breathing while they were putting her in the incubator. The got her breathing again with a bag and I don't know why I was so calm about it. I was exhausted is the only explanation I have.

My husband and I followed the ambulance down and Cindy took Angie home. We waited in the waiting room for over an hour while the doctors checked her out. It was about 5:00 am when the doctor came out. He said that they weren't sure what was going on with Finnley but that they had to put her on a ventilator to keep her breathing. They were running blood tests etc. and putting in the pic lines to get medicine to her. He said that seizures were pretty severe and that they would need to sedate her as soon as possible. I fainted as the doctor was taking us back and they had to get a wheel chair for me. I am sure it was from loss blood during delivery and being completely exhausted. We hadn't slept since 3:45 the previous morning. By the time we went back, she was hooked up to more tubes than I thought were possible for such a little baby. She was in a comatose state and the ventilator was taped in place. All we could do was cry. I couldn't talk to her to tell her it would be OK because all of a sudden I didn't know if it would be. The thought of leaving her there and not taking her home was more than I could bear but it was going to be a reality. The doctors told us to go home and get some sleep because this was going to be an ordeal that we need strength for. Paul was very strong for us both and was able to talk to Finnley and let her know that we would be back soon. We kissed her hands as we left and we sobbed and prayed fervently the rest of the way home.

We weren't allowed back until 11:00 am. The doctors didn't know much more than they did earlier. They were waiting for the labs to come back and were monitoring her seizures but that was about it. Only parents were allowed into the NICU but Paul asked if he could bring another member of our church to give Finnley a blessing. The chaplain gave permission and they returned later to give her a blessing. I remained at home fielding phone calls and letting people know what was going on. Prayer was a constant thing and my prayers had never been so intense and direct. All three phones rang constantly and I must have told the story 200 times. I couldn't turn them off because the hospital may be the one calling so it was really hard.

Paul and Chris(our friend) returned to the hospital that afternoon(Monday the 25th of February) and gave her a blessing. I asked Paul what was said and he told me that Finnley was blessed that the doctors would find out what was wrong, that she would make a full recovery and live and long and healthy life. I was reassured because I have faith in the Savior and in His ability to heal the sick. I thanked Him in prayer and asked for direction. In my mind I saw Finnley coming home within a week and that she would be all better. But, I still cried. To know she was laying there all alone with just nurses to see to her- about killed me. I went back to the hospital that night with Paul and cried some more. I was still unable to talk to her and they didn't want us to touch her because it would set off the seizures. I was angry with myself for letting everyone hold her when she was born. I didn't get enough of her and I wanted her in my arms more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. Of course looking back - I wanted everyone to see what a blessing she was and experience the joy that I was feeling with my new baby - I wanted them to hold and love her. But right then - looking at my baby, not able to touch her because of her tubes and sickness - I was angry. We returned home, cried and prayed some more.

The next day(Tuesday), I was still very sore and trying to recover in between the phones calls, visits to the NICU and friends coming by. I asked Chris and our other friend Mike if they could come give Paul & I blessings. Paul was coming down with a terrible cold and wouldn't be able to visit Finnie if he was sick. I was unable to sit by her incubator and needed that healing to be stepped up with a little 'celestial' help. I could not even sit in the chair while Chris gave me the blessing. Instead, I was turned around and kneeling on it. As Chris gave me the blessing he blessed me with mental strength so that I would be able to handle what was about to take place. Blessed me again with mental strength to be there for my family and for Finnley. He must have said mental strength about 10 times in that blessing with no mention about my physical needs or help with that. I was confused as I made my way back to lay on the couch (because I still couldn't sit) and wondered why it was just my mental well being that was being addressed by the Lord. On Wednesday evening, I found out why.

Wednesday was a blurr. As I looked at my little girl, so tiny and helpless- I noticed the woman by the next incubator holding her preemie baby. I began to cry uncontrolably and Jane, the NICU nurse for the afternoon, put her arms around me. "I just want to hold her," I said. "Why can't I just hold my baby? I didn't get enough time with her the night she was born and I just want to hold her!." Jane explained that some of the tubes have to be kept at certain levels and that the pic line in her belly went into an artery and if it was moved they would have to reset it again etc. I knew all that but it didn't help. I ached for that baby. Jane left and came back a few minutes later. She looked at me and said, "Do you want to hold your baby?" She had found someone to help her unhook and rehook all of Finnley's tubes so that I could have some time with her. I cried and cried until they put her in my arms. It took over ten minutes to make it all happen but I swore I would not move a muscle to keep all of the tubes in place. I sat there for two solid hours, in place, without moving- smelling, kissing and cuddling with my baby. Paul was so kind to let me have that time - I knew he wanted to hold her as well. Jane took our picture and it's the only time I looked up. Paul was surprised that I was even able to sit down for that length on time - but I didn't feel anything but Finnley in my arms. Jane earned her spot in heaven as far as I am concerned. All the nurses in the NICU took the best care of our little one and we can never repay them for what they did. Brandi, Finnley's head nurse, let me hold her and even kangaroo with her the rest of the week. It got me through.

On Wednesday night, Paul went alone to the hospital. My sister had flown in to take care of me and give me a chance to recover. Joanna saved me! I will be eternally grateful. It was getting really late and Joanna went to my other sister's home for the night. Paul didn't come home after visiting hours but wouldn't pick up his phone. I wasn't too concerned since we had to turn our phones off at the hospital. When he came through the door, I could see that he had been crying. He said that we needed to talk. He sat next to me on the couch and said, "The doctors say that our little girl isn't going to make it." "Ok, I said. And why do they think that?" Paul said, "I just told you that our baby wasn't going to make it and you said ok?" I explained (very calmly) that we had a priesthood blessing and it said that she would make a full recovery. I am not worried about it." Paul then explained that they did a CAT scan that afternoon and that the brain stem was highly developed but that the cererbal cortex was non-exisitant. They said that the brain was just grey matter and that she was brain dead at this point and only being kept alive by the machines. He also said that the head of radiolgy stayed after his shift once he saw the scan in order to inform the doctor of the NICU that the scan looked like the brain of someone who had been dead over a week. I have to admit that the news was shocking to hear but I remained calm and steady in my belief that she was going to be ok. Paul cried as he explained more of what the doctors had told him and that he agonized over telling me. He had made two phone calls before coming home to friends and family to ask how he was going to tell me the news. We held each other the rest of the night and prayed. We prayed as we had never prayed before and felt the peace of the Lord in our home. I was blessed with mental strength that night and for the rest of the week and in the upcoming months. The next day, I sent out this email with these pictures.

Dear Friends-

Our family was blessed with a beautiful little girl last Sunday night but she was very sick with infection. Finnley Kate was given a wonderful blessing that promised her doctors would find the answers, she would make a full recovery and live a long healthy life.
However, the doctors have not been able to find out what's wrong and have not given much hope of her recovery. They are in fact, kind of tossing up their hands and preparing us for the worst. I can understand their medical point of view and that they are frustrated. But here's my point of view.
We believe in the healing power of Jesus Christ. We believe in miracles that happen today as well in the times of Christ. We believe in the Power of the Priesthood and Finnley was given a promise from the Lord. We believe that faith can move mountains, heal the sick, give sight to the blind and fill up empty fishing nets. I am not giving up on my baby and they can't either. They basically said it would take a miracle. Then that is what has to happen.
The Bishop asked me last night what kind of spirit Finnley is. After pondering that for a few moments, I would like to share what I shared with him. Finnley Kate is a gentle soul. She is calm and loving and very patient. She is a soft touched leader like her dad and she is a peacemaker. She brings a warm sense of love and belonging with her - she is so sweet. I want all of you to come to know her as I have over the past nine months. She is needed in our home and in the world. I have already seen miracles take place as a result of her sacrifice to go thru this physical test. She has changed our lives forever and I feel she has so much more to accomplish.
Finnley Kate needs your prayers and your faith. We are praying for her recovery and are praying that her doctors are led to the answers that will see that she gets there. We are starting a fast on Saturday night thru fast Sunday and invite you to fast and pray with us. Never have we needed you and your fervent prayers more than now. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and for the hope that it brings. If it is His will, please help me bring my baby home. Please feel welcome to send this to any family and friends you have - the more faith the better - and ANY faith is ok. Jesus Christ extends to all of us.
We have the names of the doctors if you would like to pray for them by name - (they won't know what hit them) - Dr. Evans, Dr. Katheria & Dr. Nespeca.
We love you all and will get updates to you as soon as we can.
Sincere thanks and love - Care, Paul, Angie and Finnley Kate Messer

With that email- the prayers and faith of everyone we knew began to reach heaven. Many more whom we do not know also began to pray for our baby - we thank you. We began to get emails form different churches around the country who added her name to their prayer roles. Her name went into temples around the world and people that weren't even sure there was a God, prayed for our little girl. We felt each and every prayer. They got us through each hour.

On Thursday, it began to hit me - the questions and doubts of "Why me? and What if she does die or is brain dead? What will be do with that? How will be survive that? How will Angie deal with losing her little sister? After all this time and all those miscarriages, why would God let this happen to us?" My heart went back to my conversation with my Bishop. I am grateful for that conversation because it put me back in touch with God's plan for all of us. And once again, I felt your prayers and the peace came.

Paul's brother-in-law Allen, who is a doctor, drove in from out of state to help us meet with the doctors. We are so grateful he came. Friday brought with it a mortality reality check that opened my soul to the most severe pain and sorrow I have ever felt. We had to meet with the doctors and decide when we would take Finnley off of life support.

They explained that they really had no explanation for what exactly happened to Finnley. The strep infection had been taken care of but that was secondary. Paul and Allen looked at the brain scan with the doctors and went over the test results. The doctors finally diagosed her with Encephalopathy. Basically- permanent brain injury that can't be explained. They assumed that her cord was kinked sometime during labor and delivery and that it just cut off circulation to the brain. They said if she survived for awhile, her hands would never come out of the fist position, she wouldn't suck well, her seizures would get worse, her eyes would swim and she probably wouldn't see and then her hearing would go last, if it wasn't going already. They said that the whole part of her brain that held emotion and learning just wasn't there. The doctors wanted to remove life support that day but it was just to soon. We knew that we wanted to take her home but they weren't even sure if she would make the car ride to get there. They said it was possible that she could last a few days because her brain stem was highly advanced but that they couldn't guarantee anything. We decided to wait until Monday and bring her home with Hospice support.

As we left the hospital, Allen explained the diagnois and agreed with it. My heart wouldn't fully grasp it. I was still holding on to the Lord saving my baby. I had prayed harder than I had ever done, I had made deals with the Lord. I am sure any parent would in this circumstance. I had faith but then I looked at these doctors who had medical evidence that there was nothing there. I just couldn't accept it. Paul seemed to accept it and he was very patient with my denial. That night we met with a church leader, President Winter, that we were close with.

When we got to his office, I broke down. All of the doubts in the Lord and His plan came back with a vengence. "Why would He take my baby?" We had a blessing that said full recovery. I don't understand. I have the faith that she will be healed but the doctors are saying one to three days! What do I do with that? I feel so alone - why would He do this?" He let me cry, or maybe wailing would be a more accurate term for what took place that night. The sorrow was just too much.

He then began to talk about the Atonement of Christ. He reminded me that Christ had suffered all things for me. That He felt my pain - literlally in the Garden of Gethsemane. Christ hung on the cross and died for all of us that we might live again with God. Finnley would be with me again. He asked how I had been able to get through any of the past week if Lord had left me. I knew the answer - I ONLY got through the week because the Lord was with me. But I wanted my baby with me now - not later. And he said, "If the Savior needs your little Finnley, she'll be with Him. Wouldn't you want this precious little girl to be with the Savior if she couldn't remain with you?" Of course I did. If staying here with me meant that Finnley may suffer in a body that didn't function or be in pain every day during her mortal life - what mother wouldn't want her to baby in the arms of the Savior? "But the blessing? It was a healing blessing right?" He asked me what feeling came with the blessing - not the words of the blessing but what did I feel inside when I heard what the blessing said. I thought a minute, cried and regained my ability to speak. "Peace." I felt peace and knew that everything was going to be okay. The Savior let me know that Finnley was going to be okay."

Then the Spirit testified to my soul with a powerful feeling that ran through my whole body. Finnley would be okay because this is all part of God's plan. Whether it's here or in the next life that she resides in - Finnley will be okay and we will be able to handle it whatever God has in store for us. Then the real peace came. I knew that I was sealed to my baby because of the covenants we had made in the temple and that she was ours forever. If God needs her now, then I will be with her soon and it will be okay. I knew that I would miss her and really need my friends and family to see me through this time but I felt the Lord and knew He would be there as well. Pres. Winter said a prayer with us and we returned home - hopeful and stronger.

The next few days were almost sureal. We felt like we had been going through this for months but it hadn't even been a week. We made plans for a funeral and where we would bury her. I knew that I wanted bagpipes and Amazing Grace to be played and that she would be buried at the feet of her Great-grandmother in Paul's hometown. We ordered her Blessing dress but knew that we would use it as a burial dress. This was all done very calmly and privatly and we felt the peace of the Lord. It truly was His call but we were still hoping for a miracle.

But that Sunday - everybody prayed. Prayers were joined from all over the world on behalf of this little baby. We fasted and prayed for a miracle- you fasted and prayed for a miracle. It was a blessed Sunday. So peaceful and sweet. We spent the day with Finnley. Holding her and loving her and letting her know what was happening on her behalf. What a wonderful life she had led in just a week. She had people on their knees who hadn't been God for a long time. Finnley had people who didn't even know God praying and hoping for a miracle. Finnley had changed my life and recommited me as a follower of Christ. I wanted to live a perfect life to get back to my wonderful baby and the Savior. This experience changed me from the inside. Thank you Finnley and thank you God.

We went home and changed clothes and gathered some family & friends. We returned to the hospital to give Finnley a name and a blessing. Her blessing dress had not arrived and a friend had brought over several white dresses that I could chose from to bless her in. It was a lovely afternoon but tore at my heart to think that tomorrow I may have to say goodbye. Bittersweet is the only way to describe the day.

The next morning was filled with anticipation and fear of the unknown. Hospice nurses had briefed us on what could happen and had stocked our fridge full of medications to keep her comfortable. The oxygen tanks were delivered and the house was prepared for any medical needs that Finnley may have. My friend Cindy flew in her daughter who takes our family photos. Brittany and Cindy set our house up for a photo shoot so that once we came home, we would have some family photos with Finnie. My other friend Jenn, brought over a gal to take hand impressions of my girls so that we would have keepsakes of our little ones. Food, phone calls, emails and prayers flooded our lives during this time. Even people to walk our dogs showed up. It was truly overwhelming and we will forever be grateful for the love and support. Everyone agreed to make their visits short and the rest of the day would be just us - with our baby. I asked the Lord for 24 hours to say my goodbyes. Just a day and then she could be yours. Although I would understand if He needed her sooner. God's will is peaceful.

We watched anxiously as they took the tubes out of her little body. The ventilator came out and she was breathing fine on her own. Brandi was removing all of the tape residue off of her face and arms while I cried and held onto Paul. I dressed her in pink polka dots and wrapped her in a sock monkey quilt and we said goodbye to the most wonderful group of nurses in the world! It was a long, tearful ride home but she WAS coming home!

Close friends and family were there once we arrived and I actually gave them all a brief turn at holding her. The same friend who brought over the blessing dresses had also brought over bags and bags of other dresses to choose from for this special photo shoot. I have amazing people in my life. Finnley still had a lot of medication in her system so she was very sleepy through all of this. Brittany took the most amazing photos of our family and they now cover our walls. We got our hand impressions and then everybody left. It was our family time.

We held Finnley and cried. We rocked her, smelled her, kissed her and squeezed her. I prayed that the Lord would never let me forget what it felt like to hold her in my arms and what she smelled like. We let her meet the dogs that she had heard bark from inside of the womb for 9 months. We played with her hair and wondered if her eyes would have been blue or brown. It was the longest and shortest day of our lives. Time is so precious.

Paul and I didn't sleep that night. We were so afraid of her not breathing or needing something that I just held her and Paul stroked her face. Paul wouldn't take her from me. He wanted me to have her for every bit of time God gave us with her. That was a huge sacrifice for him and I knew it. I tried to share but he wouldn't have it. I love him for that. Although our hearts were breaking we were joyful and full of peace. The hardest thoughts were on how her life would end. Would it be peaceful or painful and would we be able to comfort her. Time was slipping by and my twenty four hours was almost up.

The next morning came and Angie and I took turns holding her. The Hospice nurses came and Finnley seemed to be fine so they left. And then - that afternoon, she acted like she wanted to eat. She began rooting and whimpering. We called the nurses and they said it wouldn't hurt her, just give her a little formula. I called my friend Julie who runs a day care and she ran some over with some bottles. Finnley sucked it right down like a pro. (She may look like her dad but she gets her appitite from me!) Finn ate every two hours on the dot and began to be more alert. The seizure medications began to wear off as well and her eyes would open one at a time like Popeye. She still slept a lot but seemed content and happy. As night approached I thanked the Lord for giving me more than the twenty four hours I had requested with Finnley and every extra minute I was thankful even more to Him and His Grace on our behalf. We didn't sleep again that night and she was still with us in the morning.

Over the next few days we had the same routine. We would wake up, gather as a family, pray and thank the Lord for the extra time, cuddle and feed our baby. The hospice nurses would come in the early afternoon, check her out, see how we were doing and tell us to call if we needed them. We just loved on our baby and spent time as a family. We tried to keep everyone informed as to what was going on but I didn't want to put her down for second. Our friends were, and still are, amazing. Meeting our needs before we could even express them. We can never repay such kindness but will forever try to do so. Here is the next email I sent out.

Dear everyone -Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, love, caring, fasting & understanding. We feel the strength from all of you and it has been helping each day. Finnie is 11 days old and still with us. Each hour is a blessing and she is adorable.

The doctors found what was the cause of her condition. Sometime during labor or delivery her cord was kinked or she was kneeling on it and it deprived the front of her brain of oxygen. The main part of her brain that controls her body functions (heart, lungs, liver etc.) is highly advanced like a newborn. The front half of the brain that is the thinking, feeling, learning part is just dead cells. You would never know it to look at her and since she is eating and has such a sweet spirit about her - she seems perfectly normal.
We are loving her and letting the Lord guide us each day. She may be here awhile or leave today. We are at peace with whatever takes place and cherish every moment. It is still in the Lord's hands and only He knows the plan for her miraculous little life.
On Monday - our family photographer came to our home and took some photos. Here are a few that she has emailed me until the CD comes. We love you all and appreciate your emails of love. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and know that we love you.Love - The Messers

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

The love and support continued to pour in. Meals were taken care of, bills were paid by unknown do-gooders and even baby formula was mailed to our house. The Hospice nurse, Liz and I became good friends and her visits dropped down to once a week because Finnie was doing so well. It was truly amazing and we were all witnessing a miracle.

Hospice is something you never aspire to use in your lifetime - but thank the Lord that Hospice is available. We have never met a more caring group of people. They were there for every question, every worry and for any medical need we could have possibly had for our baby. They helped with our insurance and really took the pressure off the extreme finances that we were facing. Liz listened to me cry and walked with me through all of the emotions that come with a dying baby. She is truly a gift from God and the work that she does touches people's lives. I'll never forget what she did for me and Finnley during this time.

I started to venture out a bit during this time. Finnley HATED the carseat and would scream as loud as she could the entire car ride. It was terrible. But once you got her out of the car you could calm her down quite easily. I began to think that there WAS some emotion left in that brain of hers. She was just plain ticked off and didn't like being restrained. I am the same way.

I really should let the singer, Josh Groban, know how grateful I am for his music. His music is inspirational and his voice is something from heaven. It was through his Christmas album that I began to really believe that a miracle was taking place with my baby. While I was pregnant, I must have listened to his new "Noel" CD at least 10,000 times in the car. I cranked it up like it was AC/DC and sang right along with him. (Poor Josh!) But it was my music of choice and was very soothing to me even after Christmas. One day, while Finnley was screaming her head off in the carseat - I put the Noel CD in and turned it up. Within seconds, Finnley completely shut up. It was so abrupt, it caught me off guard. I thought she had gotten so upset that she'd had an anurism or stopped breathing all of a sudden. I pulled the car off the freeway and jumped into the backseat. Her eyes were wide open and she was turing her head towards the music. She was content and calm. Now I knew for sure that she could hear and that music could calm and soothe her. If she was brain dead, how could that happen? If all the emotion parts of her brain were gone - how could this be possible? I got her out of the carseat, held her and cried. I knew there was something going on inside that head. It was like she wanted me to know that she hadn't left yet and didn't want me to give up on her. She rested her head on my shoulder and we were just peaceful. We finished the whole CD and then went home. Thank you Josh for doing what you do! Your music touched our family more than you'll ever know. Someday - I plan on taking my girls to one of your concerts. Finnley's already a fan!

Our next email -
Dear Friends & Family -Our little miracle baby is still here and oh so sweet! She has gained 1.5 pounds over the last few weeks and NEVER skips a meal. (Wonder where she got that from??) She smiled on Easter in her new dress and we actually caught it on the camera. She is tracking with her eyes now and likes the mirrors around the house just like Angie! She loved the flowers on Grandma's shirt and is facinated by her crib mobile. I am trying to put her down occasionally and wash a bottle or two but other than that - I fear I am creating a monster that wants to be held all the time. Oh well - I'll live with it. It's hard to believe that she is just not perfect - cause in my eyes, she is! We are so grateful and humbled for this time.

Your continued prayers are felt and we appreciate all that have done for us over the past 5 weeks. The Lord has truly blessed us with peace and wonderful friends and family. Not to mention a wonderful addition to our family. Everyday with her is a reminder that God is good and that His grace is here for us all. The power of prayer is real and the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes we may feel like it's too much but what comfort He will give if we just ask. Thank you again from the bottom of our hearts and we will update you as
things change. Love - Care, Paul, Angie & Finnie

At this point, I knew in my heart that Finnley was not dying. Not yet anyway. I was afraid to say it outloud for fear that they would cart me off to Bellvue and fit me with a straight jacket. They would surely just think I was a crazy mother in denial right? Well maybe I was but Finnley was acting just like a normal newborn. Well, a newborn on Hospice care. I finally got up the courage to talk to the Hospice nurse about seeing a pediatrician for a second look at my baby. She agreed since all her visits were more like well baby visits and Finnley was on no medicine whatsoever. They reccomended a wonderful Dr. and we made an appointment. Here is the result.

Dear Family & Friends -All of your prayers are paying off and we are so grateful! We are happy to have some good news for all of you. We are still in shock but very hopeful and optimistic for the future of our little girl.

Last week we saw our new pediatrician that specializes in neurological injured babies. I went into the appointment hesitant because I see Finnie improving daily and getting stronger and the doctors have never had anything positive to say about her condition. The doctor did a newborn workup and took her measurements. She said - and I quote,"This baby is not dying. She has a better chance of dying by getting hit by a bus." She couldn't explain it but things have changed with Finnley. (Of course I can explain why things have changed - prayer and fasting by 10,000 people!)
As long as her head keeps growing at it's current pace, we should be fine. This doctor also saw the initial scan and agreed with the diagnosis the doctors had given us 7 weeks ago. She said that she would have given that same diagnosis to me. But now - she has upgraded the diagnosis to "brain injury" and the 'brain dead' one is not longer applicable. It was music to our ears but has taken us several days to grab a hold of the news and really believe it. We are waiting to do another scan because they would have to put her under with an IV and we will wait until she is older.
We are now in the process of checking all of Finnley's functions to see where she is and if everything works or has deficiencies. We already had her eyes checked by a specialist this past Friday and they are PERFECT! Finn can see and there is no structural or nerve damage. We will see the ear specialist this Friday and then next month the neurologist. We will also see the Occupational therapist and Physical therapist for evaluations to make sure that she is moving properly for her age. So please keep us in those prayers - they are powerful and we would like more good news in the weeks to come.
It is truly a miracle to be almost 8 weeks out when we were given 1 to 3 days for Finnley to be with us. We know in our hearts that is through the prayer and faith of all of you that Finnley is improving and living her sweet little life. There are not words to express our gratitude to our Lord and to all of you. If it be God's will that she continues to improve we are accepting of that. If it's not, we are still accepting and feel blessed to have been part of the miracle we call Finnie bug.
We love all of you- - and are here if YOU need us! - God bless you - The Messer Family

After 9 weeks, we offically were released from Hospice care. We wanted to do it sooner but Hospice insisted that they make sure our needs were going to be met by other resources before they left us high and dry. Not many paitents "graduate" from Hospice unless they are on their way to heaven! I have really missed Liz coming to visit! She was more than a nurse to us. Finnie was always doing so well - Liz & I got a lot of time just to talk and cry. When Finnie turned two months old, my brother-in-law Tod, took some pictures in her blessing/burial gown. We also did a few others just for fun. Here they are with our next email.

Hello everyone -I should just break down an open a blogspot for Finnley huh? Then I could update you more. She just gets stronger everyday! She is 2 & 1/2 months old today and SMILED THIS WEEK!! We are so grateful to the Lord for allowing her to remain with us. Everyday and every moment spent with her is cherished and is appreciated. We are starting to get into a routine and venture out even though she HATES the carseat and screams the whole time she's in it. She had her immunizations 2 weeks ago and we see the neurologist at the end of May. (Won't he be surprised!) She passed her hearing test - so eyes and ears are normal for a newborn as well. We are amazed at her health and know it is due to everyones faith and prayers. The Lord has a plan for all of us - it takes it's twists and turns but it is always for our growth. Our acceptance of His will see us through anything we may face. Thank you all so much! There is no way to repay...

Here is a picture of her "tummy time" and she gets stronger by the day. Her other picture is one that my wonderful brother-in-law took on her 2 month date in her blessing dress, but it wasn't here in time to bless her in so it then became her burial dress and thankfully - we didn't have to use it for that! I will post some more photos as I can - my program is acting up right now. We love you all and hope to keep sending good news!!
Love - The Messers

We continue to receive emails from friends about how Finnley has touched someone in one way or another. I know that she has saved two different pregancies from being terminated and I pray for those babies and their familes each week. What a blessing these little lives are and I hope they continue to do the good they are meant to do.

Paul has wonderful co-workers who kept me on task when they hadn't gotten any updates on Finnie. I am grateful they pesterd me(with love) so I can look back on the right order in how things have progressed. Here are the rest of the updates.

Dear Everybody -Thank you for your continued faith and prayers! By the will of God and His loving compassion for my family, Finnie is thriving and was here to help celebrate Mother's Day! It truly was the best Mother's Day ever. Both of my girls in spring green dresses ready for church - on time - no less!! (That's pretty tricky nowadays) We continue to be in awe of her and how she has blessed so many lives. She is the yummiest, & sweetest tempered little baby and Angie loves to fuss over her. I am so grateful for both of them and have to express my gratitude to the Lord for blessing and enriching my life with these angels.

Finnie smiled a real smile on April 30th! She has a dimple on her left cheek and smiles best after she has a full belly. (Hmmm, where does she get that from??) We can't tell you all how much we love that you have shared in our little miracle baby and hope you'll continue to do so. We see the neurologist at the end of the month and will let you know how that turns out. Best wishes to you all - Love, the Messers

Hello all -I am sorry this update comes so late. I am having a hard time getting to my email because I don't want to miss a second of this baby! She continues to change daily and only gets cuter! Thank goodness she has her dads calm personality and never makes much of a fuss (as long as she has your undivided attention that is!). Angie is getting quite good at feeding and even shares in the diapering. She loves to pick out the clothes and can cuddle her to sleep. I can get a little housework done after school now and sometimes even a hot dinner!

Last Tuesday we saw the same doctor who gave Finnie a few hours to live. He said he took a double take when he saw us on his schedule for the day and reviewed her chart. He said the word amazing about 50 times during the visit. Finnley had just eaten and was fat & happy. While doing the exam - all he could say was, "This is amazing." He was so surprised that she could follow his face and track stuff. She responded to his voice and was just the perfect little baby. He wants her to start phys. therapy and then see her back in 3 months - so we start that next week. He said that we have to wait and see if there are any developmental delays because she's just to young to know right now. We are not worried at all because we understand the miracle behind this little girl.
He said he just didn't have an explanation for this - I jumped right in with, "Prayers doctor - you have no idea how many earnest and sincere prayers went up for this baby. That's how Finnley is explained." He said, "I gotta find out what church you guys go to because this is amazing!." I told him that one church couldn't take credit for this one - every religion had a part of this miracle. But it's the same God for all of us and to Him we are so grateful. The visit couldn't have gone better and Finn continues to amaze us as well.
We thank you for your continued prayers and concern. Finnley is doing great and the Lord is with her each day as she grows stronger and gains more pudge! Here are her latest photos. The yummy red and green outfit is from my friend Ali - she has wonderful taste!
We love you - and keep YOU in our prayers!! Love- Care & Paul

Dear everyone -
Once again we are here to say thank you! Paul had both his girls to celebrate Father's Day this year. They had a brief nap and I caught a picture which promptly woke Finn up! He also had a steak which really made his day!
Finnley had two different evaluations last week from two different physical therapists. (different agencies - I have to have my second opinions ya know!) Both said she is on target for her age and we are going to work with both of them just to make sure nothing creeps in that I won't catch. She has begun to reach for toys and still loves the ones that light up and make sounds. She loves her hands and they are in her mouth most of the time now. Her legs are kicking constantly - she's finally gonna work off some of those calories!
The biggest milestone since our last update is that - she slept in her crib all night. This is not a milestone for Finnley - it is MY milestone. It about killed me to let her sleep out of my arms. I got NO sleep and layed on her floor all night checking on her everytime I heard a sound. It was ridiculous and I need to get over it! But- I am working on letting her go for a few hours at a time. She's content - it's me who has the problem!
Angie & I are looking forward to summer with Finn. It will be a lot easier to venture out with such a great helper! Angie is becoming quite the expert on her little sister. Anyone have any ideas on how to get Angie or her dad to do dirty diaper duty?? Seems I am the only expert on that subject!
We thank you for your continued prayers on Finnie's behalf. We still have a long way to go this year to make sure that brain is doing the right thing. The Lord blesses us each day with her sweet presence and there is nothing more precious. Miracles do take place and we have pictures to prove it!! Praise to the Lord for His sweet and tender mercy for all of us.
Love you - The Messer Family
PS - I will be getting to that blog now that I have Angie to hold Finn here and there!

Now the blog is created and everyone can visit as often as they would like. I will do my best to post recent pictures and keep you updated as we go along. Finnley is truly a miracle. A modern day miracle. Proof that God still hears and answers our prayers. It may not always be how we want them to be answered but they are answered in the way that is best for us and our progression in this life. And if God does decide to take Finnley sometime in the future - it's okay. We'll be with her again and are so grateful to have had this time with her.

We can never repay all those who have prayed, fasted and helped us during this time. You are continuing to do so and we are so thankful for you. We love you all and pray that the Lord bleses your lives like you have blessed ours.